(Rated PG-13 for language and adult situations)
SETTING
The office of Cal Coleman; Head of Production at Phoenix International Pictures,
Hollywood, CA; September 9, 1954
CURTAIN/LIGHTS UP
(The
interior of CAL COLEMAN’s office at Phoenix International Studios. The
most prominent feature is, of course, the desk on which sits a telephone, a
buzzer, a framed photo of his wife and kids, a nameplate reading “Cal Coleman:
Head of Physical Production” and some loose papers. Naturally, there is one
chair behind the desk and a second for visitors on the other side. There are two
entrances; the main entrance that visitors use [leading to the outer office
where Cal’s secretary works] and a back entrance. A large window looks
out over the studio lot. Hanging on one wall is a framed poster for a film called
The Darkened Heart which was written/directed/produced by and starred Wilbur
Miles. There should also be a shelf of awards [including an Oscar].
(It
is about four o’clock in the afternoon on Thursday, September 9th,
1954.)
AT
RISE:
(The
office is empty. Suddenly, Cal Coleman enters via the back entrance. He is
a little over forty but, thanks to the stress of the job, he can, on a good
day, pass for a little over fifty. He’s been in Hollywood for over
twenty years. He is wearing a period appropriate suit and tie, though he is
carrying his suitcoat. He crosses quickly to the desk, drops the jacket on his
chair and starts going through the papers.)
CAL
(Under
his breath)
Come on,
come on. I know I had it this morning…
(After
a beat or two, SADIE MARKS, Cal’s secretary, enters. Sadie is in
her late twenties, very pretty and very sharp. A Rosalind Russell or Barbara Stanwyck type. She wears a nice but inexpensive dress and has a ring with a
small diamond on her left hand. She is surprised to see Cal.)
SADIE
Mr. Coleman?
CAL
(Not looking up)
I’m not
here.
SADIE
You’re…you’re
not?
CAL
Nope.
SADIE
(Beat)
Then who
am I talking to? Your stunt double?
CAL
Okay,
obviously I am here, but if anyone asks, I’m not here. All right?
SADIE
Okay. Mind
if I ask where you are?
CAL
I’m on
Stage Fourteen, talking to Ziegler.
SADIE
Henning Ziegler?
What’s his problem?
CAL
(Finally looking at her)
Scarlet Donovan.
SADIE
Oh, I see.
That is a problem.
CAL
You can
say that again.
SADIE
Oh, I see.
That is a—
CAL
Do I seem
like I’m in the mood for jokes?
SADIE
Not
especially, no. What are you looking for?
CAL
The shooting
script for the Hercules picture. I had it here this morning but I can’t
remember where I put it.
SADIE
(Helping him look)
What’s
Donovan complaining about this time?
CAL
Usual
thing. Says the part’s not big enough for her. We’ve already rewritten the
script for her four times. I think she has more lines than Hercules at this
point.
SADIE
(Starts checking the desk drawers)
Who’s she
playing?
CAL
Hercules’
wife. Meg…something or other.
SADIE
Megara.
Hereditary Princess of Thebes, daughter of Creon, who was, himself, the brother
of Jocasta and uncle to…
(Off
Cal’s look)
What? I’m
pretty so I can’t have read a book in my life? Here it is.
(Hands him the script)
CAL
Thank you.
(Reads the title)
The
Labors of Hercules.
I know just how he feels.
(He starts to leave)
So long,
Sadie.
SADIE
Actually,
sir, since you’re here—
CAL
I thought we
established that I’m not here.
SADIE
Yes, I
know that, officially, you’re not here, but we both know that, in
reality, you are here and, that being the case, I thought you might want
to know that Greta is also here.
CAL
(This name stops him dead)
Greta?
SADIE
Yes, sir.
CAL
Greta
Gossip?
SADIE
Pretty
sure her last name is “Gossett,” but yes.
CAL
She’s a
gossip columnist, Sadie.
SADIE
She
prefers “Entertainment Journalist.”
CAL
And I’d
prefer to be on the Road To Bali with Dorothy Lamour but I doubt my wife would approve.
(Beat)
Greta’s here?
Now?
SADIE
Very much
so.
CAL
(Looks at his watch; thinks)
Five
minutes. Tell her she can have five minutes.
SADIE
Yes, sir.
(Exits)
CAL
I mean it!
Five minutes and that’s it!
(He
tries to make his desk look a bit more presentable, setting down the script.)
(Enter
GRETA GOSSETT. She is Louella Parsons or Hedda Hopper. That is, a failed
movie star who now writes cruel things about real movie stars while
maintaining that she’s a serious journalist. She is wearing a fur wrap and a feathered
pillbox hat. The word “inconspicuous” would be woefully out of place in
describing her. But underneath the flouncing and the flamboyance is a sharp and
conniving mind which has ended more than one Tinseltown career. In short, she
is not to be taken lightly.)
GRETA
Cal!
Darling!
CAL
Greta!
What do you want?
GRETA
Is that
any way to greet an old friend?
CAL
No, but
it’s the perfect way to greet you. What do you want?
GRETA
Oh, come,
come, Calsy! You’re not still mad at little old me over that piece I wrote last
year?
CAL
Lemme
think about it, yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
GRETA
Oh, but
that was ages ago! You can’t still be upset that I said that Phoenix
International was—
CAL
“Hollywood’s
answer to the ghetto. A kind of Poverty Row where the bottom rung of show
business society waits to die in obscurity. Any star looking to commit career
suicide could do no better than to sign a contract with R. J. Phoenix.”
GRETA
(Pause)
Wow. Word
for word. Impressive.
CAL
Well, when
you print your retraction, you might mention that Phoenix International saw
record profits last year.
GRETA
You might
want to tell your stockholders that, Cal, since none of them saw a dime of
those profits. It all went straight into the pockets of R. J. Phoenix himself.
CAL
Who
funneled it all right back into production costs for this year’s slate of
sensational movie hits.
GRETA
That’s
your story and you’re sticking to it, right?
CAL
It is if I
wanna keep my job, yes. Now, you’ve got five minutes before I have to go meet
with Henning Ziegler, so what do you want?
GRETA
Ziegler? Is
that old fool still on the payroll? Honey, his pictures went out with ThedaBara.
CAL
Leave your
school friends out of this and tell me what the hell you want.
GRETA
Fine! If that’s
the way it’s going to be…we need to talk about your Miss Hall.
CAL
(Automatically)
A Rising
Star in the Phoenix Galaxy. Delilah Hall is one of the most captivating,
alluring and talented actresses working in Hollywood today. Since making her
debut in the thriller Devil In A Raincoat, Miss Hall has been—
GRETA
Yes, yes,
yes. I do read your press releases.
CAL
Then it
sounds like you have all the information you need. So if there’s nothing else
you want, Ziegler is still waiting to talk to me about…
(Trails off)
GRETA
(Smelling a story)
About
what?
CAL
(Carefully)
…Ziegler’s
having some trouble with…one of the stars of his next picture. Which is going
to be the biggest box office smash Phoenix International has ever produced, by
the way.
(Pause)
You sure
you don’t want to write that down?
GRETA
Very sure.
Is this it?
(Before Cal can stop her,
she picks up the script and reads the title)
The
Labors of Hercules?
Oh, Cal, tell me you’re not throwing money away on a swords-and-sandals
picture? Who do you think you are? Cecil B. DeMille?
CAL
(Snatching the script back)
For your
information, The Labors of Hercules is not just another
swords-and-sandals picture.
GRETA
That’s
what they all say. And one of the stars is giving the German a hard
time? My, my, my. I wonder who that could be?
(Cal
thinks. Then, looking around as if making sure no one is eavesdropping, he
crooks his finger for Greta to lean closer. Right into her ear, he says,
nice and loud:)
CAL
No
comment.
(Heads for the door)
Now, if
you’ve got everything you came for, I really do have to—
GRETA
Oh, you’re
going to want to stick around and hear what I have to say.
CAL
What’ll
you bet? Look, Greta, I know you like to go around this town thinking you’ve got
everyone wrapped around your little finger, but I’ve got a TL for you: I’m not afraid
of you. And, right now, I have to go get a very expensive and important
production back on track. And, frankly, there is nothing you could possibly say
that is more important than that.
(Opens the office door for her)
GRETA
Delilah
Hall is pregnant.
(Cal closes the office door)
(Long pause)
CAL
You’re
bluffing.
GRETA
You know
better than that, Cal.
CAL
You
couldn’t possibly know something like that. Not for certain.
GRETA
Certain?
Who said anything about certain? My readers don’t care about certain. All they
need is a hint of scandal. The least suggestion of sin. A few puzzle pieces
they can put together any way they like to make any picture they like. A
picture that’s almost always unflattering but, hey, that’s why I get the big money.
CAL
(Pause)
Delilah
Hall is not married.
GRETA
No, not
since April. Which is bad news for you, isn’t? I mean, the timing doesn’t quite
work out. No chance the kid was a last hurrah with her and her ex, is there?
(Cal says nothing)
Still no
comment? All right, then I guess I’ll just have to run the story without one.
(Starts to leave)
Good
afternoon, Cal.
CAL
(Standing in her way)
Greta,
wait a minute.
GRETA
No, I
really should be going. You have that meeting with Ziegler you’re so keen to—
CAL
Ziegler
can wait. Right now you and I are going to talk.
GRETA
On the
record?
(Reluctantly,
Cal nods. He gestures to the desk. Greta crosses to and sits in
the visitor chair, whipping out her notepad and pencil, as Cal sits at
his desk, trying to regain some of his composure.)
CAL
First and
foremost: Neither I nor Phoenix International are confirming, denying or even
acknowledging the baseless rumor you just related to me.
GRETA
It’s only
a baseless rumor until I publish.
CAL
It’s a
baseless rumor until my studio confirms it and that’s never going to happen.
GRETA
I certainly
hope not. It’s better for me if you deny it. The more you fight, the more my
readers assume you’ve got a secret worth fighting about. So, go ahead. Deny it
all you want. Hell, sue me for libel if you like. But I’ve got the First
Amendment on my side and, ultimately, it would just mean more free publicity
for me and my story. Plus, if it turns out that the story is true, the
last thing you want is a court case, so really—
CAL
What do
you want, Greta?
GRETA
A million
dollars, a Pulitzer prize and an all-expenses paid trip to the Bahamas with Tab Hunter. The real question is what can you give me?
CAL
(Thinks)
An
exclusive.
GRETA
(Not impressed)
What kind
of an exclusive?
CAL
(Beat)
Wilbur Miles.
GRETA
(This interests her, but she
tries not to show it)
Really?
CAL
(Gestures
to the poster)
Writer/director/producer
and star of such sensational Phoenix International hits as A Sea of Upturned
Faces, John Citizen USA and The Darkened Heart. Winner of more
Academy Awards than Walt Disney and Edith Head put together. Star of stage,
screen, radio and he ought to be conquering television any day now. Should make
for a pretty interesting interview, don’t you think?
GRETA
Wilbur Miles
never gives interviews.
CAL
He’ll give
you one. If I ask him to. And I will, if you sit on whatever you think you’ve
got on Delilah Hall.
GRETA
(Thinks)
A pregnant
starlet would make a helluva good story, Cal.
CAL
Unsubstantiated
reports of a pregnancy? That’s the kind of thing a tawdry gossip columnist
would write. A once-in-a-lifetime interview with a brilliant auteur? That’s real
journalism, Greta.
GRETA
(Weakening)
Much as
I’d love to have a chat with dear Wilbur, I think it’s only fair to tell you
that I would feel compelled to ask him about certain…well, I suppose you would call
them “baseless rumors.”
CAL
Such as?
GRETA
Why he was
fired, for one; why you rehired him, for another…
CAL
That was a
misunderstanding between Wilbur and R. J. It’s all patched up now and—
GRETA
All the
same, I’d like to hear the story from Wilbur’s own lips, if you don’t mind. Oh,
and then there’s the matter of that girl he met while he was filming in South
America. Brazilian, was she? Or Argentinian?
CAL
Columbian.
But I don’t think—
GRETA
Those are
my terms, Cal. I get an interview with Wilbur Miles in which nothing—and I mean
nothing—is off limits, and, in return…because I like you so much…I’ll
keep the sordid details of your starlet’s sexual escapades out of the papers.
CAL
Alleged sexual escapades.
GRETA
Just as
you say.
CAL
You can
ask Wilbur anything you want; I can’t force him to answer.
GRETA
Leave that
to me.
CAL
(Pause)
Fine.
Done.
GRETA
Dandy!
(Gets
up to go)
I’ll be in
touch with the details for the interview. Oh, and tell him to wear a clean
shirt. I’m bringing a photographer.
CAL
Miles
isn’t going to like that.
GRETA
Miles is a
big boy. He’s just going to have to suck it up.
CAL
And I have
your word that I won’t be reading a lot of bullshit about an unproven pregnancy
the next time I mistake your column for actual news and accidentally read it?
GRETA
Assuming
Wilbur gives me a good interview, you and Miss Hall can rest easy. Well…for a
while, anyway. Let’s face it, honey, you can only hide something like that for
so long.
(Pats her belly)
CAL
(A sardonic grin)
Life’s
funny, isn’t it, Greta? I mean… if you had just been a slightly better actress
yourself you wouldn’t have to spend your life jealously tearing down people who
actually have talent, would you?
GRETA
(Pause; she’s still smiling)
You should
really be nicer to me, Cal. Or I might get it into my head to write a story
about you one of these days.
CAL
Go ahead.
If you want to bore your readers to death. You haven’t got a thing on me,
Greta.
GRETA
Oh, don’t
I?
(Walks over to the awards; reads
one)
“Cal Coleman.”
Hmm. Looks like they spelled your name wrong. But I won’t tell anyone if you
won’t, bubbeleh.
(She winks)
Ta-ta!
(Exits)
(Alone
again, Cal drops his head on the desk and begins to moan. Sadie re-enters,
sees her boss with his head on his desk.)
SADIE
So…how’d
it go with Greta?
CAL
(Raises his head; brightly)
Honestly,
it could’ve been worse.
SADIE
What did
you have to give her?
CAL
An
exclusive with Wilbur Miles.
SADIE
Miles isn’t
going to like that.
CAL
Miles is a
big boy. He’s just going to have to suck it up.
(Off Sadie’s expression)
What?
SADIE
Greta
must’ve had something juicy if you had to give her Miles. What did she…?
CAL
If Wilbur
behaves himself with her, you’ll never know. Where is he anyway?
SADIE
At his New
York office. Working on his next screenplay.
CAL
Why the
hell can’t he write here?
SADIE
He says
New York inspires him.
CAL
I’m sure
it would inspire anybody if someone else was paying for it. And what exactly is
next for the Thirty-Year-Old Boy Genius?
SADIE
An
adaptation of Shakespeare’s Comedy of Errors.
CAL
I suppose
he plans on playing the lead.
SADIE
Yes. Both
of them.
(Off Cal’s look)
It’s about
twins.
CAL
Of course,
it is. Take a telegram.
(Sadie takes out her pad)
“Wilbur, looking forward to reading new script, Stop. When you get back to town, you’re giving Greta Gossett an interview, Stop. Stop whining, Stop. I’m the one that hired you back after R. J. fired you so you owe me one, Stop. She’s going to ask about Columbian girl, so get your story straight, Stop. Yours, Cal Coleman.” Got that?
SADIE
Got it.
CAL
Good.
SADIE
So what is
the story with Miles and the—?
CAL
Never
mind. Where’s Delilah Hall?
SADIE
Still at Paramount,
I think.
CAL
Paramount?
What’s she doing there?
SADIE
You loaned
her out, remember? She does a picture with Bob Hope and you get RosemaryClooney for the next Davis and Clark comedy.
CAL
Right,
right. Well, track her down. I’ll need to talk to her at some point.
SADIE
When?
CAL
Soon.
(Glances at watch; grabs the
Hercules script)
But now I
really do have to go before—
PHOENIX
(Off stage)
Coleman!
(Enter
R. J. PHOENIX, the man who owns the studio. He is the overweight,
balding, cigar-chomping stereotype of the Old Hollywood Mogul. But his
expensive suit can’t quite disguise the crude, money-grubbing tyrant inside. He
moves like he’s going to drop dead of a heart attack in about five seconds. He
barges into Cal’s office as though…well, as though he owned the place.)
CAL
(Immediately deferential)
Mr.
Phoenix, sir.
PHOENIX
What the hell
are you doing here, Coleman?
CAL
Well…this
is my office, sir.
PHOENIX
I mean
what are you doing here when I told you to go to Studio Fourteen to deal
with the Scarlet Donovan situation?
CAL
I’m on my
way there right now, sir. I just needed to pick up the shooting script so that
I could—
(He holds up the script in his
hands)
PHOENIX
Shooting
script? What the hell do you need to read the script for? It’s a Hercules
picture! Just point the camera at the guy with the muscles and call it a day.
Well, as long as you’re here, let’s talk.
SADIE
I’ll just
leave you two to chat, shall I?
(Exits)
PHOENIX
(Watches Sadie exit)
Nice
looking girl.
CAL
She’s a
good assistant, sir.
PHOENIX
Are you
and she…?
CAL
I’m
married, sir.
PHOENIX
So am I.
You think that stops me?
(Laughs like the pig he is as he
sits down)
CAL
(Half under his breath)
No, I’m
sure it doesn’t.
(Sits, sets script on desk; then
out loud)
So, what
can I do for you, Boss?
PHOENIX
It’s about
the Hercules picture, Coleman.
CAL
Yes, sir.
PHOENIX
We’ve got
a lot riding on this one, Cal. And I mean a lot. I won’t mince words
with you; Phoenix International is not doing too well.
CAL
I see,
sir.
PHOENIX
We’re
coming off a string of flops. Devil in a Raincoat, Tea and Sympathy…
(Gestures toward poster)
Even
Miles’ last picture lost money. That Twelfth Night shit. If I told him
once I told him a thousand times, people don’t go to the movies to see
Shakespeare!
(Cal reacts)
What’s he
working on now, by the way?
CAL
Er…you
know, I’m not totally sure. Something about twins I think. But, sir, the last
Davis and Clark comedy made a decent profit.
PHOENIX
Yes, yes,
all right, but we need more than that. We can’t pin the future of the whole
studio on Al Davis and Marty Clark.
CAL
No, sir.
PHOENIX
And what
with television and all, it’s getting harder to even get people to go to the
movies. Frankly, Coleman, we need a hit and we need it now.
CAL
Yes, sir.
PHOENIX
But not
just a hit. A smash. We need our own Gone With The Wind.
A picture that will do boffo box office in every state of the union and overseas,
sweep the Oscars and put Phoenix International where it belongs: On top.
CAL
Yes, sir.
PHOENIX
So, tell
me, Coleman…Is this Hercules picture that hit we need so badly?
CAL
Yes it is,
sir.
PHOENIX
You’re
sure?
CAL
Absolutely.
PHOENIX
Glad to
hear it, because I really wouldn’t want to have to fire you.
CAL
No, sir. I
wouldn’t want…
(Pause)
Wait, did
you say fire me?
PHOENIX
Now, don’t
get excited, Coleman. I’m sure it won’t come to that. But if Hercules
doesn’t do the kind of business we’re counting on, we are gonna have to tighten
our belts around here.
CAL
Sir, I’ve
been with this company for over fifteen years…
PHOENIX
And you’ve
done damn fine work for us, too. You know, a lot of people said I was making a
mistake when I promoted you to Head of Production. Said you were too young for the
job. But I told ‘em, he may be young, but he’s got more than twenty years of
experience in Hollywood. How old were you when you started in this business, Coleman?
CAL
Nineteen,
sir. My first job was at Universal International, wrangling horses for
westerns.
PHOENIX
And after
that you were…?
CAL
At MGM,
wrangling the Marx Brothers for Louis B. Mayer.
PHOENIX
And even
back then, you were making your reputation: As a man who gets things done. That’s
why I snatched you up and made you producer here at Phoenix. I knew I could rely
on you to get the job done. To solve problems. To get the picture in the can.
Tell the truth, Coleman, I wish I had fifty more men just like you.
CAL
…But?
PHOENIX
But times
are hard. The industry’s changing. All the studios are doing it. Cutting
corners, reducing overhead, trimming the fat, getting rid of their deadweight.
CAL
And that
includes me, sir?
PHOENIX
Nothing
personal, you understand. We gotta cut the budget somewhere. Now, I have to
run. I’m having steaks with Jack Warner in Miami so I’ll need to take my limo
to the airport right now.
(Stands up; Cal rises, too;
they walk to the main office door together)
Good luck
with the Hercules picture, Coleman.
CAL
Thank you,
sir.
(Opens the door for Phoenix)
PHOENIX
Just know
that the whole studio is behind you…as long as it’s a hit, I mean.
(Exits)
CAL
So…no
pressure then. That’s good.
SADIE
(Reentering)
I sent off
that telegram to Wilbur Miles, sir, and…everything okay, Boss?
CAL
(Walking back toward his desk)
Well,
besides the fact that the head of the studio just told me that unless The
Labors of Hercules is the biggest smash hit of the year, I’m out of a job…yeah,
everything’s peachy.
SADIE
Oh, no.
(Beat)
You
wouldn’t happen to know if Sam Goldwyn needs a secretary?
CAL
Your vote
of confidence is greatly appreciated.
SADIE
I’m just
joking. I’m sure Hercules will be a smash.
CAL
Maybe it
will be, if it ever gets made. Shit! I still need to get down to the stage and
talk to Ziegler! Where’d I put that damn script?
(Scrambles for script; picks it
up)
SADIE
Speaking
of scripts, there’s someone here to see you.
CAL
I can’t
see anyone, Sadie. I’m running late already. Whoever he is, tell him to come
back—
CONNIE
(Entering)
She doesn’t feel like coming back
later, thanks.
(CONNIE
NOLAN is the only female writer on staff at Phoenix. She is plain and
bookish with glasses, mousy-blah hair and unflattering clothes. She is also a
great intellect and a brilliant writer with a healthy sense of self-worth which
has nothing to do with the way she looks. She stands in the doorway, her arms
crossed like a wife about to ask you where you’ve been all night.)
CAL
Connie,
hello. Look, I really don’t have time to talk right now. I have to go the stage
and talk to Ziegler, so if you could just come back—
CONNIE
No way, Cal!
You’ve been kissing me off for over a week and I’m not letting you do it again.
We’re going to talk and we’re going to talk right now!
(Cal and Sadie exchange a
look. Sadie can’t help. Cal sighs.)
CAL
I can give
you five minutes, Connie, but then I really have to go.
(Nods to Sadie, who exits;
sits at his desk)
So, what’s
on your mind?
CONNIE
The same
thing that’s on your mind, Cal: The Labors of Hercules.
CAL
It’s gonna
be huge, Connie. The biggest hit Phoenix has ever had. This is it, Connie. The
career-maker, the life-changer. You might even win the Academy Award for it. You’re
about to become the most sought-after female screenwriter in Hollywood.
CONNIE
I want my
name taken off the picture.
CAL
What?! Are
you out of your mind? The script you gave me was brilliant!
CONNIE
Brilliant?
It was a goddamn masterpiece, Cal.
CAL
Then why
on earth would you want to—?
CONNIE
Because, this—
(She snatches the script out of Cal’s
hand and waves it)
—is not
my script!
(Angrily drops the script on the
desk)
It hasn’t
been my script for months. Not since that brainless, no-talent hack of
yours got his hands on it.
CAL
What
brainless, no-talent hack are you talking about?
CONNIE
You’re
right. There are so many of those at this studio, I need to be more specific.
Brian McCardle.
CAL
Brian McCar—
(Realization dawns)
Oh!
McCardle.
CONNIE
Honestly, Cal,
if you had a problem with my script, the least you could have done was talk to me
about it and not assign some random staff writer to tear my life’s work to
shreds!
CAL
All right,
Connie. Just take it easy. Sit down. Please.
(Connie
sits)
I’ll have
you know I did not assign some random staff writer to do anything to
your life’s work.
CONNIE
Then what
is—?
CAL
I told R.
J. Phoenix the script needed a little work and he told me he’d take care of it.
I thought he meant he would talk to you about it, but instead he gave it
to McCardle to work on.
CONNIE
So you’re
saying it’s Phoenix’s fault? I need to go storm into his office?
CAL
You can’t
do that for two reasons.
(Presses
buzzer on his desk)
One, he’s
on his way to Miami, and, two, it would be career suicide.
CONNIE
What are
you talking about?
SADIE
(Entering in response to the
buzzer)
Yes, Boss?
CAL
Sadie, does
the name McCardle ring any bells?
SADIE
Yes,
there’s a brother and sister of that name who work at the studio. The brother
is a staff writer and the sister works in the makeup department.
CAL
Is that all
that the sister does here at Phoenix International?
SADIE
No, sir. I
understand she also does some work with Mr. Phoenix…privately…after hours…at
the Beverly Wiltshire Hotel…is that enough? Cuz I’m running out of polite ways of
saying he’s fucking her.
CAL
No, I
think we’re good. Thank you, Sadie.
(Sadie exits)
CONNIE
Well, shit.
CAL
That’s
show biz. So let’s see if we can’t work this out ourselves, okay?
(Starts flipping through script)
Now what,
specifically, is your problem with the latest draft?
CONNIE
How much
time you got?
CAL
I’m pretty
sure I said five minutes, but that was—
CONNIE
(Gets up, starts pacing)
The script
I wrote was called The Life and Death of Heracles. It was a
powerful, sweeping epic which told the complete story of the Greatest of the
Great Greek Heroes. His birth to the mortal Alcmene, his rise to power and
fame, his fall at the hands of Hera, his legendary Twelve Labors, his travels
on the Argo with Jason, and, finally, his agonizing death and apotheosis…and
what is it now?
CAL
Shorter, I
hope.
CONNIE
Now it’s
just The Labors of Hercules. Phoenix’s mistress’s brother cut out
everything except the Labors!
CAL
Your
script was great, Connie, but it was also over three hundred pages long. I told
you at the time we’d have to cut it down.
CONNIE
I thought
you meant trimming a few scenes! Maybe taking out some minor characters. Not
throwing away two-thirds of the script!
CAL
Okay, so
McCardle decided to focus on the Twelve Labors. Is that the only—?
CONNIE
Oh, no!
Not twelve labors, Cal. In this script, he only does three.
(Counting on her fingers)
He slays
the Nemean Lion, he steals Cerberus from the Underworld and he rescues Helen of
Troy from the evil Prince Paris.
CAL
Like I
said, the runtime was…wait, what was that last one?
CONNIE
Thank you!
The last one is from Homer’s Iliad. Hercules never rescued Helen of
Troy!
CAL
I mean,
technically, Hercules never did anything because he’s made up, but—
CONNIE
And how
about Megara?
CAL
Yeah. How
about her?
CONNIE
In my
script she dies in the first act. Now I think she’s got more lines than
Hercules.
CAL
Yes, well,
Scarlet thought the part could be expanded a little to better suit—
CONNIE
I don’t
know what you were thinking letting Scarlet Donovan play the part in the first
place. She’s all wrong for it. I told you, if you had to put her in the
picture, you should have had her play…
CAL
Hercules’
mother, I know, but Scarlet felt she was too young to convincingly portray—
CONNIE
For the
thousandth time, Hera is not Hercules’ mother! That’s the whole point of
the story!
CAL
Right,
yes. But, as you may recall, I explained early on that the Production Code would
not let us depict Zeus having a child out of wedlock, so we had no choice but
to—
CONNIE
The
Production Code is bullshit, Cal.
CAL
Granted,
but we still have to follow it. So, if Zeus is gonna be a daddy his wife has to
be the mommy. Those are the rules.
CONNIE
You know,
Zeus and Hera are also brother and sister, right? What does the Production Code
have to say about that?
CAL
As long as
it doesn’t say that in the dialogue, they’re fine with it.
CONNIE
I don’t
care who his sister is sleeping with, Cal: this idiot has turned my
brilliantly-crafted work into a hodgepodge of unrelated nonsense which has
about as much to do with Greek mythology as a Daffy Duck cartoon has to do with
ornithology
(Pause)
Study of
birds, Cal.
CAL
I knew
that.
CONNIE
(Pause)
Daffy is a
duck, Cal.
CAL
I know.
CONNIE
(Pause)
Ducks are
b—
CAL
I know!
CONNIE
And how
about that meathead you hired to play Hercules?
CAL
Arsene
Lefevre is a French weightlifting champion. And an Olympic gold medalist. Like
Johnny Weissmuller before he played Tarzan.
CONNIE
Yeah, but
all Tarzan has to do is yell and look good in a loincloth. Hercules actually
needs to talk.
CAL
Lefevre
can talk.
CONNIE
Barely!
His French accent is so thick, you can hardly understand what he’s saying. Which
may actually be a good thing, given how bad McCardle’s dialogue is.
CAL
Your
script called for someone over six feet tall with two hundred and twenty pounds
of muscle. Not many contract players are built like demigods.
CONNIE
Okay, that’s fair. But the point still stands: This is not my script anymore, and I
don’t take credit for shit I didn’t write. So, are you going to take my name
off the picture or not?
CAL
(Pause)
Not.
CONNIE
Why not?
CAL
Because I
want you to be a success.
CONNIE
You think
putting my name on a terrible picture is going to make me a success?
CAL
No, I
think putting your name on a profitable picture is going to make you a
success. Look, three years ago you started at this studio as an anonymous staff
writer, now you’re a credited screen-writer on a major motion picture.
(Connie is about to interrupt)
Yeah, I
know, the screenplay is nothing like the one you wrote, but so what? Everything
I said before is true. This movie is going to blow the roof off of this place and
everyone associated with it is going to be flooded with offers from every
studio in town. And that will include you so long as the credits read
“Screenplay by C. K. Nolan.” On the other hand, if I take your name off the
picture then the offers go to the brainless, no-talent hack and you go back to
being an anonymous staff writer.
(Beat)
So, what’s
it gonna be? Does C. K. Nolan’s name stay in the credits or not?
CONNIE
(Pause)
Not.
CAL
Connie, please.
I’m trying to—
CONNIE
C. K. Nolan doesn’t stay in the credits. Connie
Nolan does.
CAL
Oh.
Um…well…
CONNIE
The only
reason I started using my initials in the first place was so that people
wouldn’t know I’m a girl and my work would be judged on its own merits. But if you’re gonna make me take credit for
this crime against cinema, then let me take the credit. Under my real
name. Let Connie Nolan be the one who gets all those offers. Okay?
COLEMAN
(Pause)
Yeah. All
right. “Screenplay by Connie Nolan and Brian McCardle.” Deal?
(Puts out hand)
CONNIE
(Thinks; then shakes)
Deal.
CAL
Great. I
think you’re making the right choice.
CONNIE
You better
hope not. Cuz if you’re right about how big a hit Hercules is going to
be, I might just take one of those offers and start working at another studio.
CAL
Maybe
Daffy Duck needs a new writer.
(They share a smile)
No
kidding, Connie, your original script was terrific. I wish we were making it.
CONNIE
Yeah,
well…I guess that’s how this town works, huh? Hollywood is a city where the
impossible can happen, where dreams can come true…and where nobody gets what
they want. So long, Cal.
(Exits)
(Cal
is alone for a beat. He thinks about what Connie just said.
(Sadie enters.)
SADIE
I don’t
know what you said to Connie, but she seems pretty…Boss?
CAL
(Looks up)
Sadie, you
know a lot about Greek mythology, right?
SADIE
A bit,
sure.
CAL
Have you
read the shooting script for Hercules?
SADIE
A little,
yeah.
CAL
What do
you think of it?
SADIE
I think
it’s gonna be a big hit for Phoenix International Pictures.
CAL
Sadie,
this is just us talking.
SADIE
It stinks.
CAL
Yeah, I
figured.
SADIE
But I also
think it’s going to be a big hit for the studio.
CAL
It had
better be. Or R. J. Phoenix is going to start cleaning house and we’ll both be
out of a job.
SADIE
Yeah, but
I’m really pretty, so I can just marry Montgomery Clift and be set for life.
CAL
Mazel
tov. Name the
first kid after me, will you?
(Beat)
Is there
anyone waiting out there?
SADIE
(Looks)
No, sir.
CAL
So no one
needs to see me right now?
SADIE
That’s
right.
CAL
Good.
(Grabs script)
Then I can
finally head down to Stage Fourteen before someone else barges in and—
(Enter
MARTY CLARK. He is a comedian; part Lou Costello, part Jerry Lewis, half
of the comedy team of Davis and Clark. He is shortish and fattish with an
energy and physicality you’d hardly expect from someone of that type. He is
also, as we shall see, a raving egomaniac. He speaks with a Brooklyn accent
which he dials up for comic effect.)
MARTY
(Raps on the open door, then
delivers his signature line)
Helloooooooooo
in dere!
(Pause)
SADIE
(Turns to Cal)
Evidently,
Martin Clark is here to see you, Boss.
CAL
What are
the chances he’d believe me if I told him I wasn’t in?
MARTY
Sadie, Sadie,
Sexy Lady! How many times I gotta tell ya not to look so goddamned gorgeous all
the time?
(Marty
does a series of “takes,” bug eyes, pounding heart, describing her curves
with his hands, that kind of thing. The actor playing the part is
encouraged to find his own comedic voice for the character. He ends up on the
floor, looking up at her, panting like a dog.)
SADIE
And how is
Mrs. Clark these days?
MARTY
(Rising to one knee, Jolson-style)
Are you
kiddin’? Here I wanna talk about love and you gotta bring up somethin’ tawdry
like marriage! It’s enough to break a man’s heart!
(He weeps comically and mimes
blowing his nose on Sadie’s dress)
CAL
Marty, I’m
very busy right now, so if you don’t mind—
MARTY
(Rises to his feet)
Not to
worry, Boss, I ain’t gonna take up too much of yer time. I just need five
minutes, okay?
CAL
(Sighs)
Five
minutes?
MARTY
Five
little bitty ole minutes. If I stay one second longer, you can throw me out dat
window.
CAL
Now,
that’s what I Call an attractive offer. Come in, sit down.
SADIE
Well, if
you won’t be needing me, Boss, I might just go down to Wardrobe and get my
dress steam-cleaned.
(Exits)
MARTY
(Looking after Sadie)
Mm-mmm! I dunno how you get any work done around here,
Boss, with a dame like that around!
(More
comic business)
CAL
Okay, okay, knock it off, Marty. You’re not on camera right now.
(Sits
at his desk; Marty sits opposite.)
So, what did you want to talk about? And why do I have a sinking
suspicion I already know what it is?
MARTY
It’s that sonuvabitch Davis.
CAL
Why am I not surprised?
MARTY
Don’t get me wrong, Boss! I love Alan Davis. I love ‘im like a second
cousin twice removed and there’s no one else in Hollywood I’d rather be working
with.
CAL
But?
MARTY
But I hate his breathin’ guts and I hope I never see ‘im again.
CAL
(He’s
heard this before)
What did he do this time?
MARTY
You wanna know what he did? He stole one of my jokes! We were reading
through the scene in our next picture and he read my line
instead of his. And, would you believe it? He got a laugh! My
laugh!
CAL
Marty, I’m sure he just read the line by mistake.
MARTY
Yeah, that’s what he says!
But I know better! He did it on purpose. And now the director is talking about
givin’ him the line in the picture!
CAL
(Pause)
And that’s it, is it?
MARTY
Yeah.
CAL
So, to sum up: your very sensible and mature response to your co-star
and partner of twelve years maybe being given
a single additional line of dialogue in your new picture was to come straight
to me, the Head of Physical Production for the entire studio, who is currently
overseeing twelve projects in various stages of production, eleven of
which—thank God—have nothing whatsoever to do with you. Is that about right?
MARTY
(Long
pause)
Well, when you say it like that, it makes me sound crazy.
CAL
Marty, go back to work.
MARTY
You don’t understand, Cal. It’s not just this one line. That bargain
basement Perry Como is trying to take over the whole picture!
CAL
Is he really?
MARTY
Yes! Really!
CAL
And by “the whole picture” you mean the picture where you
chose the director because you knew he’d let you make all the
decisions, based on a story you commissioned
and a script you rewrote
in which Al Davis used to have three musical numbers before you
cut two of them to make room for your comic
routines? Is that the picture you think Davis is trying to take over?
MARTY
Okay, I get it. I know what everyone thinks about me. That I’m an
egomaniac. That I want to run the whole show. But…let’s be real here, Boss. You
think people are lining up around the corner to see our pictures because of him? You
think his sappy songs are the reason Davis and Clark is the biggest comedy team
in the biz? It’s me they’re
comin’ to see, Cal. So why not give the people what they want?
CAL
(Sighs)
Look, Marty, I like you. You know I like you. I’m the one that signed
you and Al in the first place. But that’s just the point. I signed you and
Al. And if you guys can’t find a way to work together, then we’re going
to have to—
(Sadie knocks
gently on the door, then sticks her head in.)
SADIE
Sorry to interrupt, sir, Mr. Clark.
CAL
What is it?
SADIE
Alan Davis is here to speak with you.
MARTY
Davis? Al Davis? He’s here? I
gotta go. So long, Boss!
(He runs, comically, to the back
door and exits…or does he?)
CAL
(Sighs)
Send in
Mr. Davis, Sadie.
(Sadie
exits. A beat or two later, ALAN DAVIS enters. He is the Dean Martin
to Marty’s Jerry; the Abbott to his Costello. He is good-looking and well-built.
As different from Marty as it’s possible to be without actually being
another species.)
ALAN
Afternoon,
Cal.
CAL
Afternoon,
Alan. Look I can only give you five minutes. I’ve got to see Ziegler about—
ALAN
This won’t
take long. I just need to ask you a little favor.
CAL
What’s
that?
ALAN
Get me the
fuck out of my contract.
CAL
(More to himself)
And off we
go again.
ALAN
(Sits down)
I can’t
take it anymore, Cal! Every day it’s something new with him. If I get a laugh,
he goes home with a stomachache. If I say I don’t think one of his jokes is
working, he storms off the set. It’s like working with a two-hundred-pound
toddler!
CAL
(Beat)
He’s down
to two hundred?
ALAN
Two-ten, I
was rounding down.
CAL
Alan, I
know Marty Clark is…temperamental. Always has been. You knew that when you
started working with him.
ALAN
Yeah, twelve
years ago! I was sort of hoping he’d have grown up by now. Do you know what he
did today? I accidentally read one of his lines and the director thought it was
funny. Said something about giving me the line in the picture. And Clark lost
his shit! Started screaming about how I was nothing but an over-inflated
Sinatra and stormed off the set. I’m not just gonna shake his hand and pretend
we’re still friends this time, Cal. I’m telling you, I will not work with that
man ever again.
CAL
Yes, you
will, Al. You know why? Because you—both of you—signed a contract with
Mr. R. J. Phoenix, remember? And by the terms of that contract, you owe this
studio two more Davis and Clark pictures. Pictures which, I need hardly
mention, have helped you to sell a lot of records and made you a very wealthy
man.
ALAN
But Clark
is just—
CAL
I know,
Al. I know all about Marty’s tantrums and I will talk to him. But what I’m not
going to do is to let you break your contract.
ALAN
Cal,
please, I need to—
CAL
You
haven’t thought it through. Breaking the contract will mean paying a huge
penalty to recompense the studio for the films you’re not going to make. And I
won’t be able to rehire you, with or without Clark, and the other studios might
not be too thrilled about offering a contract to a guy with a reputation of
breaking them the minute things get rough.
ALAN
That’s not
what this is—
CAL
I know
that, but how do you think it will look to everyone else in this town?
(Beat)
My advice?
Suck it up, do the two pictures, and then tell me how you feel. Is that
fair?
ALAN
(Defeated)
Yeah, Cal.
That’s fair.
CAL
And, hey,
if those two pictures do well enough…maybe we can start talking about that
other idea of yours.
ALAN
(Perks up)
Really?
Are you serious?
CAL
I’m not
saying we’ll definitely do it. But if your next two pictures with Clark do as well
as the others, we’ll be in a much better position to pitch it to Phoenix.
ALAN
(Beat; imagining the poster)
“Alan Davis
is…Johnny Dread!”
CAL
Phoenix
owns the rights to the Johnny Dread novels; C. K.—Connie Nolan has turned in a
pretty good script, but we haven’t been able to find a star to play the title
role.
ALAN
I’d be
perfect for that part, Cal!
CAL
I know it.
‘Course, the boss wants Rock Hudson…
ALAN
Hudson?
Are you serious?
CAL
He is a
bigger star than you, Al.
ALAN
Sure, but
he has the emotional range of a spoon! Cal, playing Johnny Dread would be huge
for my career. A chance to prove I can do more than sing songs and babysit
Clark.
CAL
(Gets up to usher Alan out
of the office)
Just make
nice with Marty Clark a little bit longer and I’ll put in a good word with R.
J., okay?
ALAN
Okay…okay,
you’ve got a deal. But it’s not going to be easy making nice with Marty. I
can’t believe what he’s like these days. And after I saved his ass by teaming
up with him. Well, I guess I better—
MARTY
(Bursts into the room; he’s been
listening at the door the whole time)
Excuse the
shit out of me?!
ALAN
Marty?
CAL
Clark,
what the hell are you—?
MARTY
Did I hear
you right, you sanctimonious songbird? You think you saved me?
ALAN
(Trying to make nice)
Okay,
maybe “saved” was too strong a word.
MARTY
Yeah,
maybe it was. And if anyone saved anyone, I saved you!
ALAN
(He’s done trying)
Are you
joking? With those dumb pantomime routines of yours. You were dying until you
begged me to team up.
CAL
Look,
fellas, can we—
MARTY
I begged
you? I begged you?!
(Raps on Alan’ head)
Helloooooooooo
in dere! You gotta lay off the martinis, pal! The way I recall it you begged
me!
(Sadie
steps in, having heard the yelling from outside.)
ALAN
What!? Why the hell would I have begged
you to team up? Face it, Marty, in those days, you needed me a hell of a lot
more than I needed you.
CAL
Fellas,
please, can we all just sit down and—
MARTY
(Ignoring Cal)
I never
needed you, okay? I don’t need anybody! I let you join my act
because I felt sorry for you.
ALAN
You’re out
of your mind! I was doing fine before you waddled into my life.
CAL
Come on,
boys, there’s no need of—
MARTY
(Ignoring him again)
Oh, sure.
You were doin’ fine. That’s why you couldn’t get your foot in the door of
Hollywood until you tacked my name on the end of yours! That’s why you never
sold a single record until you started singin’ in my pictures.
ALAN
Your pictures? What happened to our pictures?
We used to be a team. Now we’re not Davis and Clark. We’re Marty Clark
featuring Al Davis and I’m sick of being your second banana.
MARTY
Listen
here, you goddamned warmed-over Bing Crosby wannabe! If you think that—
CAL
ENOUGH!!!
(Silence)
Now, I don’t care who saved who
or who begged who or who
says whose goddamned line. In fact, I don’t particularly care if you love each
other or hate each other. You’re not here to play, children. You’re here to work. Your
job is to make movies. Movies where you—
(Meaning
Marty)
—act like a fucking monkey and you—
(Meaning
Alan)
—sing the song and get the girl. Now either you can
do that job or you can’t. But this is my office
and I have better things to do with my time than listen to two grown-ass men bickering
like a couple of kids!
(Pause)
For now, here’s what’s gonna happen: You’re gonna shake hands, you’re
gonna go home for a couple of days and get your heads on straight. Then you’re
gonna get back to work finish out your contract with Phoenix International
Pictures at which point you can strangle each other to death for all I care,
all right?!?
(Pause.
Alan and Marty shake
hands.)
ALAN
See ya, Boss.
MARTY
Yeah. See ya, Boss.
(They
head to the main door, more than somewhat ashamed of themselves.)
You know…for what it’s worth, Al, I think you’d be swell as Johnny
Dread.
ALAN
Thanks, Martin. That means a lot.
(They exit. Sadie shuts
the door behind them and starts applauding as her boss sits down, worn out from
his big speech.)
SADIE
That was impressive, Cal.
CAL
Yeah, well. When they come back to work, they’re just gonna start all
over again, but at least I got them out of my office.
(Looks
at watch)
Oh, shit! Sadie, I really gotta go. Ziegler is still expecting me to
come and talk to him about—
(Enter SCARLET
DONOVAN. Close your eyes and imagine an “Aging Hollywood
Starlet” and you’ll be seeing a mental image of Scarlet.
She
is in her late forties, though you’d be ill-advised to tell her as much. She
still sees herself as a bright-eyed ingenue. Admittedly, she is still very
attractive, but hardly the stuff pin-up girls are made of. She is wearing her Hercules
costume—a
frock made to look a bit like a toga—with an overcoat and handbag.)
SCARLET
Cal, Darling, is this a bad time?
CAL
(Through
clenched teeth)
Oh, I always have time to talk to you, Scarlet. Come in.
(Scarlet steps inside, removes her coat and
hands it to Sadie, who exits, but not before mouthing
“good luck” to her boss behind the diva’s back. Scarlet sits
down and takes her cigarette case from her bag.)
CAL
(Cont’d)
Shouldn’t you be on the Hercules set
right about now?
(Sits
at his desk)
SCARLET
(A
cigarette in her mouth)
That’s what I came to see you about, Cal. The whole thing is just
wearing my nerves to a frazzle.
CAL
Well, whatever problems you’re having, I’m sure we can sort them out.
(There is an awkward pause. Scarlet glances
down at the tip of her cigarette, then back at Cal. She
is waiting for him to light it for her. Finally realizing this, Cal draws
a lighter from his pocket, leans forward and lights Scarlet’s
cigarette.)
CAL
(Cont’d)
So, tell me. What’s bothering you?
SCARLET
Everything! Starting with that, that, that…person you’ve got playing
Hercules. Arson Whatsisface.
CAL
Arsene Lefevre.
SCARLET
Whatever. The man is simply impossible, Darling. I’m used to costarring
with actors. Not thick-skulled weightlifters who can barely
speak English.
CAL
Now, wait a minute, Scarlet. I happen to know for a fact that Lefevre
has been studying English for two years.
SCARLET
Well, he must’ve been taking lessons from Peter Lorre. I think he
learned his lines by rote and doesn’t know what they mean. He’s giving me
nothing to play off in our scenes together.
CAL
I appreciate that it’s been difficult for you, Scarlet. But, surely, a
star of your caliber, a consummate professional like you can tough it out for a
few more days, can’t you? Shooting is scheduled to wrap in less than a week.
Then, I promise, you never have to work with Lefevre ever again.
SCARLET
Does that go for Ziegler, too?
CAL
Yes, I understand that you and Henning are having some…differences of
opinion.
SCARLET
That’s one way of putting it.
CAL
What’s another way of putting it?
SCARLET
He’s an imbecile who has no notion of how to treat a star! You should
see him on the set, Cal. Always barking orders at me, telling me how to do the
scene, correcting me when he thinks I’m doing it wrong…
CAL
…Directing you…
SCARLET
Exactly! Who the hell does he think he is?
CAL
The director?
SCARLET
And whenever I give him a teensy little suggestion on how the picture
could be better, he bites my head off!
CAL
Again, if you could just tough it out for a few more days…
SCARLET
Why, just a little while ago, I told him we needed to cut a certain
scene from the picture and he yelled at me to do as I was told! He treats me
like a spoiled, willful child. Me! Can you
believe it?
CAL
If I really push myself, yes, I can.
SCARLET
What was that?
CAL
Nothing.
(Flips
through script)
Now, what is this scene you’re talking about?
SCARLET
It’s the scene where I’m saying goodbye to Hercules before he goes off to
rescue Helen of Troy. He’s heading out the door and I’m supposed to say: “Be
careful, Hercules!” and he says…
(Puts
on an outrageous French accent)
“Oh, it will take more zan ze
Trojan Army to stop ze Mighty ’Ercules.”
(Normal
voice)
And then I say, “I wasn’t thinking of that. They say Helen is the most
beautiful mortal woman the world has ever seen.”
(Silence;
she thinks no more need be said)
CAL
And, what exactly is the problem with that?
SCARLET
Are you serious? You expect the audience to believe that I
would be jealous of another woman? It’s patently ridiculous!
CAL
Yeah. Ridiculous. I agree.
(An
idea occurs; he gives it a try)
But, I think that’s why it was put in in the first place. You know
these big epics, they always take themselves so seriously. We need to add a
little humor to take the edge off.
SCARLET
You mean…the line is meant as a joke?
CAL
Of course it is! Like you said, no one could possibly believe that Scarlet
Donovan would ever be jealous of…sorry, who have we got playing Helen of Troy?
SCARLET
That new girl. Delilah Hall. Oh, and she is a dear, Cal. As pretty as
Marilyn but this one can actually act! She’s going to be a big star one of
these days. Maybe even as big a star as me.
CAL
Oh, come now. No one could be as big a star as you.
SCARLET
(Thinks)
No, I suppose you’re right. But she’s got everything it takes to make
it big in this town. Beauty, glamour, style, talent…
CAL
…Humility.
SCARLET
What was that?
CAL
Nothing. All I was saying was that, as the biggest star at Phoenix
International, you’d be setting a very good example for the new girl if you would
just shoot the scene. We can always take it out in editing if it doesn’t work.
If it helps, think of it as a favor to me. And the next time I talk to Henning,
we’ll decide—
SCARLET
Oh, that man! What on earth were you thinking putting him on this
picture anyway?
CAL
I really don’t understand your problem, Scarlet. Everyone else in the
cast speaks very highly of him. Robert and Sara say he’s the best director they’ve
ever worked with. Wilbur Miles told me that he’s his second favorite director.
SCARLET
Really? Who’s first?
CAL/SCARLET
Wilbur Miles.
SCARLET
Knew it as soon as the question was out of my mouth. God, the egos on
some people in this town!
CAL
Fortunately, you don’t
have that problem.
SCARLET
What was that?
CAL
Nothing.
(Beat)
Scarlet, I know you’re under a lot of pressure on this picture. We all
are. The hopes of the entire studio are riding on The Labors of
Hercules. And that’s why we need you in the picture. We need the biggest star
Phoenix has ever seen because this is going to be the biggest hit Phoenix has
ever had. And, yes, the script stinks. And, yes, the Frenchman can’t act for
shit. And, yes Henning Ziegler is demanding. But I’ve seen some of the dailies
and you are on fire! You practically float off the screen.
SCARLET
(It’s
working!)
Do I really, Cal?
CAL
Of course you do. And that’s why it doesn’t matter that Lefevre can’t
act for shit. Cuz when the two of you are onscreen together, no one’s even
going to see him.
SCARLET
Yes…yes, of course you’re right.
CAL
I know that you can make it through this shoot. Just a few more days
and this picture is in the can. Can you do that for me, Scarlet? Can you hold
on for just a few more days?
SCARLET
Well…all right, Cal. Just for you, I’ll do my best.
(She
rises to leave, Cal rises as well)
CAL
Great! Wonderful! Thank you so much. And I’m sure once you get to know Henning
a little better, you’ll see that he’s really a very nice, considerate,
understanding—
(Enter HENNING ZIEGLER.
The
60+-year-old German director [actually, he’s Austrian, but in this town who can
tell the difference?] bursts into the office and marches straight up to Cal’s
desk, not even seeing Scarlet. Sadie follows at a jog,
having failed to stop him entering the office.)
ZIEGLER
Nein! I am
tired of vaiting! Mr. Coleman, I simply cannot vork vith zat Donovan voman!
CAL
Er, Henning, you might want to—
ZIEGLER
She is ze vorst actress I have
ever seen in my thirty years as a director! She is impossible to control! She
is arrogant und vain und spoiled und…und…
(Long
pause; Ziegler turns toward Scarlet.)
Miss Donovan. I didn’t see you zere.
SCARLET
Yes, so I gathered.
(Another
long pause)
CAL
Hey, this picture has been tough on all of us, right? Why don’t we all
sit down and—?
SCARLET
Arrogant? Spoiled?
CAL
Now, Scarlet, I’m sure Henning didn’t mean—
ZIEGLER
Nein. I meant it. I meant every vord.
CAL
Work with me, dammit!
ZIEGLER
Mr. Coleman, I give you my ultimatum: Either zis voman is fired from ze
picture, or I valk.
CAL
You can’t valk—er, walk, Henning. You’re under contract.
ZIEGLER
I am under contract to direct motion pictures. Not to be undermined und
humiliated by zis no-talent alte ziege!
SCARLET
And what exactly does that mean?
CAL
Please don’t tell her.
ZIEGLER
Miss Donovan, you may Call yourself an actress, but ze truth is you are
nothing of ze kind. You seem to be laboring under ze misapprehension zat acting
is about nothing more zan looking good for ze camera and zat ze director has no
purpose other zan to stroke your out-of-control ego. Vell, it may surprise you
to know zat I am not your servant. I am your director! Und I expect my actors
to let me direct zem, no matter how beautiful or famous zey used
to be!
SADIE
Oh, God!
ZIEGLER
And as if ze vay you behave on set isn’t bad enough, you have ze
audacity to demand rewrites to make your part bigger! Frankly, I sink ze film
vas much better ven you vere killed off in ze first act!
CAL
Take it easy, Henning.
ZIEGLER
I vould rather destroy every foot of film I have already shot und start
ze whole thing over from scratch…
CAL
Sorry, what was that?
ZIEGLER
…zan spend another day pretending zat zis aged, wrinkled crone of a
washed up has been is capable of conveying one honest emotion! Zat is vat I
have to say to you, Miss Scarlet Donovan. Now…vat do you have to say to me?
(Long pause. Everyone braces
themselves for an explosion of fury from Scarlet…instead
she begins bawling like a baby.)
SADIE
Oh, Miss Donovan!
(Sadie
puts her arms around Scarlet; leads her to a chair)
CAL
Well, that was unexpected.
SCARLET
(Weeping)
He’s right, Cal! He’s right about everything. God, what must people
think of me? A pathetic old has been desperately clinging to her youth. It’s
just so hard for an aging woman in this town. Once you reach a certain age, all
they offer you are mothers or aunts or…grandmothers! Can you
blame me for wanting to hold on to my glory days just a little bit longer? When
I was still young and pretty enough to play Helen instead of Hercules’
housewife?
(Beat)
But I guess I’m not fooling anyone, am I? Maybe he is right. Maybe the
best thing I can do is to quit the picture and just…fade away.
ZIEGLER
Nein! Miss Donovan, you cannot quit ze picture now!
SCARLET
Wh—what do you mean?
ZIEGLER
Just now, in zis office, you have done vat I vould have thought vas
impossible: You have tapped into raw emotion. Zis if vat I have been trying to
get from you all zis time! Not ze fake glamour of Tinzeltown. Something true.
Something real. Miss Donovan…do you have the courage…do you have
the strength…to share with ze world ze real Scarlet
Donovan? Vulnerable, flawed…maybe getting on in years a teensy veensy bit?
SCARLET
(Thinks;
then, proudly)
Yes…God damnit, yes I can, Henning!
ZIEGLER
Vunderbar! Cal, ve
vill have to reshoot
CAL
Have to what now?
ZIEGLER
Vell, now zat ve know vat Miss Donovan is capable of, ve vill naturally
have to reshoot all of her scenes in order to truly take advantage of her
range.
SCARLET
Oh! How exciting!
CAL
Henning, please, we are so close to this thing being finished; is it
really that important to redo a couple of scenes?
ZIEGLER
(Thinks)
Nein, you are right. Ve don’t need to reshoot a couple of scenes.
CAL
Oh, thank God!
ZIEGLER
Maybe it vould be better if ve reshoot ze whole picture.
(Cal staggers)
SADIE
Take it easy, Boss.
CAL
My career is flashing before my eyes!
SCARLET
No, Henning, I don’t think it’s necessary to reshoot everything. We can
just add a few coverage shots of me. I know just how we can do it. Just you and
me. We don’t even need to bring the Frenchman back.
ZIEGLER
Ja wohl, zat vould be best.
(Finally
notices Cal)
Are you alright, Cal? You look a little…vell, green.
CAL
I had a bit of a shock recently, but I’m all right now.
(Beat)
So, are we all set here? No more bad blood? No more talk of expensive
and time-consuming reshoots?
SCARLET
Of course, Darling! I don’t know how I ever could’ve said a harsh word
against Henning. The man is a genius!
ZIEGLER
Und Miss Donovan is a true artist! Don’t vorry, Cal. Ze
Labors of Hercules vill be a masterpiece! For which you, Miss Donovan…Scarlet…vill
almost certainly vin ze Academy Avard!
SCARLET
Oh, Henning! Do you really think so?
ZIEGLER
If you can do on camera vat you have just done in zis office, I have no
doubt!
(DELILAH HALL enters. She is, in a
word, gorgeous. In two words, impossibly gorgeous. She is in her early twenties
and has a sweet, almost naïve quality about her. She is the bright-eyed ingenue
that Scarlet used to be.)
DELILAH
Mr. Coleman? Are you—oh! I’m sorry. There wasn’t anyone in the outer
office, so I wasn’t sure if you were…
CAL
Don’t worry, Delilah. These people were just leaving…you were, weren’t
you?
ZIEGLER
Of course! Ve have much vork to do! After you, Scarlet!
(Ziegler gestures for Scarlet to
precede him. She goes to the door, gives Delilah a
quick cheek kiss then leaves, followed by the director.)
SADIE
Well, looks like The Labors of Hercules is back
on track.
CAL
For now. But I won’t be doing my victory lap until I see the words “The
End” up on the screen. Delilah, come in.
(Delilah steps
toward the desk. Sadie exits and shuts the door behind
her.)
DELILAH
Is now a good time, Mr. Coleman?
CAL
Of course.
(He
gestures at the chair and they both sit down)
Did they treat you okay at Paramount?
DELILAH
Oh, yes. Everyone was very nice to me. Mr. Hope especially was very
kind.
CAL
I’m glad to hear it. So, what’s on your mind?
DELILAH
Well…gee, I really don’t know how to start, Mr. Coleman.
CAL
You can start by Calling me Cal like I asked you to.
DELILAH
Yes, Mr. Cole—I mean, Cal.
(Beat)
Well, the first thing I want to say is that I’m grateful. To you and
Mr. Phoenix. And everyone here at the studio. You’ve all done so much
for me. I guess I should consider myself pretty lucky to be where I am.
CAL
But…?
DELILAH
Oh, I don’t know how to say it. It’s just…well, back in high school I
played Juliet and Rosalind. I did Antigone
and I played in Chekhov and Ibsen. And people always said I was good.
So, that’s why I came to Hollywood. Because I wanted to be an actor…but I’m not
an actor, am I, Cal? I’m just the pair of legs they put on the poster to help
sell the picture. It’s like the Hercules picture.
I only have three lines: “No, you fiend!” “My hero!” and the third one is just
a kind of an “Ooh!” sound when Hercules takes his shirt off. The rest of the
time I just sit around looking pretty and wearing a really short toga.
(Beat)
And, again, I don’t mean to sound ungrateful…
CAL
No, I get it. You want to do more.
DELILAH
That’s all I’m saying.
CAL
I’m sure we can arrange that. There’s bound to be a script that calls
for…you say you did Shakespeare?
DELILAH
Yes. Why?
CAL
Because it just so happens that Wilbur Miles is working on an
adaptation of The Comedy of Errors. Why
don’t I arrange for the two of you to meet when he gets back into town?
DELILAH
Oh, Cal, would you? That would be wonderful! I mean, just to work with
a genius like Wilbur Miles would be incredible.
CAL
Now, don’t get too excited. Miles gets final casting approval for his
movies. I can get you a meeting with him, but the rest is up to you.
DELILAH
I understand. Oh, thank you so much, Cal!
CAL
You’re welcome.
(She
gets up to go)
Sit down. We’re not done yet.
DELILAH
Oh…okay.
(Sits
down)
CAL
Greta Gossip came to see me earlier. She said she had a story…about
you.
DELILAH
About me? What about me?
CAL
She said that you were pregnant.
(Long
pause)
“What? No! Of course not, Cal! It’s nothing but a pack of lies! How
could I possibly be pregnant when I’m not even married?”
(Delilah says
nothing)
Yeah, it was a longshot, but hope springs eternal. Well, score another
one for Greta, I guess.
DELILAH
How…did she say how she knew?
CAL
No, but you’re about to.
DELILAH
No one knows. No one, except…
CAL
The father?
(Delilah nods)
And you didn’t tell our favorite “entertainment journalist,” so that just leaves…
DELILAH
That son of a bitch!
CAL
Calm down.
DELILAH
Cal, I am so sorry. I never meant—
CAL
Don’t apologize.
DELILAH
(Pause)
So…what happens now?
CAL
Well, there are a few ways this can go. The first way is you marry the guy,
like, today, and hope that none of your fans are good at counting to nine. But,
seeing as how he sold you out to Greta, I’ll understand if you don’t want to do
that one. The second way is you marry someone else, like, today, and hope the
kid looks more like you than its dad.
DELILAH
What about…if I don’t…?
CAL
That’s option three. There’s a clinic just outside of Glendale. We keep
the doctor on permanent retainer to take care of…this sort of thing as
discreetly as possible. We get you there, we get you back, tell people you’ve
got the flu while you recover and that’s it.
(Long
pause)
And then there’s option four. We tell the press that your mom is sick
and you have to go home and look after her. You’re from, what, Michigan?
DELILAH
Minnesota.
CAL
Whatever. You go home to Minnesota, have the kid, give it up for
adoption, come back to Hollywood in a black dress and tell everyone your mom
died.
(Off
Delilah’s look)
We can make it an aunt or a grandparent if you’d rather not kill your
mother.
DELILAH
(Very
near tears)
So those are my choices? Get married, get out of town or…get rid of it?
CAL
No. There is one other
option. But I don’t recommend it.
DELILAH
Tell me.
CAL
That’s the one where I invoke the morality clause in your contract,
fire you and then you and the kid can do whatever you want…but you never work
in pictures again.
(Delilah is, again, very near tears, but she
has reserves of strength that no one who sees her on screen would have thought
possible. She stands up and crosses to Cal’s
award shelf. She looks at the Oscar.)
DELILAH
May I?
(Cal nods.
She takes the Oscar in her hands and looks at it)
This was my dream, you know? To win one of these. I thought if I made
it in Hollywood, paid my dues and everything, I could move on to real, meaty
dramatic roles. Like Bette Davis or Katharine Hepburn. Maybe even have a whole
shelf of these.
(Takes
a beat, puts the statuette back)
But I guess this is as close as I’m ever going to get, isn’t it?
CAL
Not necessarily. You can still have your dream, Delilah. You just have
to make a choice.
DELILAH
(A
mirthless laugh)
Oh, is that all I have to do? Just…make a choice? It’s just that easy,
huh?
CAL
No. It’s not easy. And it’s not fair.
DELILAH
Then why—?
CAL
Because that’s how this town works.
(Pause)
You know why Hollywood is called the Land of Make Believe? Because everything that happens here is complete and total bullshit. When Hercules finally comes out, the writing credits will read “Connie Nolan and Brian McCardle,” but that’s bullshit. Hardly any of what Connie wrote is gonna make it to the screen. You see the last Davis and Clark picture? Where they play best friends? That’s bullshit, too. What’s true is that they can’t stand each other and it’s six-to-five and pick ‘em they stay together long enough to finish their contract. Hell, even this is bullshit.
(Picks
up his nameplate)
Know what it says on my birth certificate? Kalman Itzaak Goldman.
(Sets
down nameplate)
I started in this industry in the 30’s and someone told me that having
a Jewish last name would hurt my career, so I changed it. Now it’s two decades later
and I would love to have my real name back, but I can’t. For the same reason
that you can’t. For the same reason that a vulture like
Greta Gossip has so much goddamn power in this town. Because of that big,
terrifying question hanging over all of our heads all the time: “What will
people think?”
(Pause)
Cuz that’s the price we all have to pay, Delilah. For the privilege of
being a part of all this. We get to make magic on the screen, we get to be
matinee idols and show biz royalty; we get to be worshipped like gods by people
who would give anything to trade places with us. You get to wear expensive
gowns and eat at high class restaurants and live in Beverly Hills, because in
Hollywood, you can have everything you’ve ever wanted…and all it costs you is
everything you’ve got.
(Long
pause)
You’re finished at Paramount. You’re wrapped on Hercules. And
Wilbur’s script won’t be ready for a while anyway. Take some time…not too much,
obviously. Tell me what you want to do and we’ll take it from there.
(Delilah takes a beat; then stands up and
goes to the door. Just before she leaves, she turns back to Cal.)
DELILAH
I meant what I said before. I really am grateful. For everything.
(Exits)
(Alone
again, Cal droops back in his chair. He is
exhausted, inside and out.
(Sadie enters,
sees him wiped out.)
SADIE
Been a hell of a day, huh, Boss?
CAL
Really? I hadn’t noticed.
(Beat)
Sadie, can I ask you a question?
SADIE
Of course.
CAL
Did you ever want to be in pictures?
SADIE
…Oh…
CAL
I just meant…well, you’re a good-looking girl. Frankly, I think you’re
more beautiful than a lot of the actresses I’ve seen. So I was just wondering
if you ever wanted to be…you know, more than just a secretary?
SADIE
Sure. I wanted to be Mrs. Cary Grant, but that job’s not available
anymore.
CAL
Seriously.
SADIE
(Beat)
Yeah. I wanted to be an actress.
CAL
So…why aren’t you?
SADIE
(Sits
down)
It’s a story I’m sure you’ve heard before. Kid from the sticks, spends
all her time at the local movie house, dreaming of the day when she’ll look up
at that screen and see herself, bigger than life, beloved by all. So, when she
turns eighteen, she hops on a bus and heads out west. All her life, people have
told her she’s pretty enough to be a movie star; she figures it’ll be no time
at all before she’s spotted by someone and offered a contract at some major
studio. Then she steps off the bus and finds out that, while she might have
been the Prettiest Girl In Ogallala, Nebraska, now she’s in a town overflowing
with Prettiest Girls In Town from all over the world. But, she goes to the
auditions and she tries to get an agent and she ends up getting a job at Twentieth
Century Fox…in the steno pool. Just to pay the bills until her big break. And,
one day, it happens. Darryl Zanuck himself notices her…and invites her to a
private meeting in his office…one of his famous “four o’clock meetings.”
(Long
pause)
CAL
Yeah, I think I may know what comes next.
SADIE
Like I said. An old, old story. After her wrestling match with the Big Boss, she doesn’t wait to get fired, she just packs her things and leaves. She ends up at another studio where she’s just another girl in the steno pool until, once again, someone important picks her out and makes her an offer. Now she’s secretary to a rising executive who, no matter what kind of jokes he makes about her, is very much in love with his wife and has never asked her to do anything but her job.
(Beat)
For which she’s very thankful, by the way.
(Pause)
Five years later, here she is. Working a steady job with a man she
likes who treats her with respect…
(Holds
up her left hand)
Engaged to a boy from Iowa who also came to Hollywood to be a star but instead
makes cartoon sound effects at Disney. Not on the screen. Not bigger than
life…but happy.
(Long
pause)
CAL
Sorry, Ogallala?
(Sadie laughs)
How did I not know you were engaged?
SADIE
You never asked me. And, let’s face it, the diamond isn’t exactly conspicuous,
is it?
CAL
I can call Walt and ask him to give your boy a raise, but I wouldn’t
get my hopes up.
SADIE
Don’t worry about it. We’ll be fine.
CAL
Yeah. I think you will…Look, let’s both call it a day before something
else happens. Like the building collapsing or Scarlet coming back.
SADIE
Good idea.
(Heads
for the door)
See you tomorrow, Boss.
(Exits)
CAL
Yeah. Tomorrow. Can’t wait.
(Cal stands up, puts on his suit jacket
and starts looking around for things he needs to take home. He picks up the Hercules
script;
thinks about all the trouble it’s caused him…then opens a desk drawer and drops
it in.)
CAL
(Cont’d;
to the script)
And this time stay in there, dammit!
(The
phone on his desk rings)
Sadie! Oh, right, she’s gone.
(Answers
the phone)
This is Coleman.
Long distance? Oh, of course. Yeah, put him through…Wilbur Nice to hear from
you. How’s the script coming along? Uh-huh. Did you get my…What? Now? Really,
right now?
(Sighs)
Okay,
well…I guess I can talk for…five minutes?
BLACKOUT/CURTAIN
THE END
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