So, I’m standing at the counter, trying
not to look at the clock, when I get a customer. He’s a big guy, older, wearing
red clothes and a pair of Blues Brothers sunglasses. He’s also got a big white
beard.
I start ringing up
his stuff. A teddy bear, a toy boat, some games and puzzles, couple of
superhero action figures, and some Lego kits.
“Okay,” I say, “do
you have your rewards…” I stop because now I’m really looking at the guy. He
looks back at me.
“Is, er, something
wrong?” he says, kind of the way a kid passing a fake ID might ask a bartender.
“Are…” I can’t
believe I’m about to ask the question. “Are you Santa?”
He seems sort of
taken aback. “What?!” he says. “No! Of course, I’m not Santa! How ridiculous.
That’s funny. Ho ho ho! I mean, er…Ha ha ha!”
“Are you sure? Cuz
you look exactly like Santa.”
“No, I don’t.
Santa doesn’t wear sunglasses.”
“And you’re buying
a lot of toys.”
“I have a lot of
nephews and nieces.”
“And isn’t that
your sled parked outside?” I point out the front window at the big, red sleigh
taking up a whole row of parking spaces in the lot.
“Sled? No, that’s
my Civic. See?”
“Looks like
someone drew the Honda logo on the back of a sled and wrote the word ‘Civic’
under it with a magic marker.”
“Don’t think so.”
“And aren’t those
reindeer?”
“Reindeer? No, those
are my dogs. I have a lot of dogs.”
“Dogs?”
“That’s right.”
“With antlers?”
“Hats.”
“Yeah, it really
seems to me like you’re Santa and you’re trying to cover it up.”
“I think maybe
you’re confused. It’s Christmastime, you’ve got pictures of Santa everywhere,
then a guy comes in with a white beard and a sled—”
“You mean a
Civic?”
“Huh? Oh! Right,
that!”
“So, you’re not
Santa?”
“Not at all.”
“Okay, if you say
so. So, do you have your rewards card? Or did you give that to Mrs. Claus?”
“No, Sarah has her
own card so we can…aw, heck!”
Short, sweet, and BRILLIANT!
ReplyDeleteTempleton, you are very funny and creative. I detect flavors of Robert Benchley and Simon Rich. I just bought a few of your books on Amazon. I write, too. Your pieces made me laugh out loud, and that's a high bar with me. Mark
ReplyDelete