Sunday, May 5, 2019

LIVING AMONG THE PILLOWS

Today is the day! I embark on my mission to follow in da footsteps of my hero, Jane Goodall. She lived among the chimpanzees, as you may or may not have heard. I, too, wish to live among some guys. But I won't be going to the jungles of Africa or Wherever Chimpanzees Are From. No, my feet are pointed firmly in the direction of the Wilds of Alaska.

For it is there, my children, that the wild pillows roam free.

This has been my dream. To live among the indigenous pillows of the Northy Places. I'm all set. I've got all linen clothes with lots of padding so that the pillows will accept me as one of their own. So farewell! I am off to study Pillowology!

DAY ONE

The pillows have accepted me as one of their own. It was super easy. I don't think pillows are very smart.

DAY TWO

Since arriving here yesterday, I have taken six hundred naps. Life among the pillows is good.

DAY THREE

I encountered the pillow's only known predator: The Bed Bug!

And that's really all I have so far. You see where I'm going with this, but I just don't have the energy to finish it right now. Maybe I'll pick it up later this month. Sorry, this one's not great, but you try creating thirty-one days of original content and see how you do.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

FIVE (5) GREAT THINGS TO SAY FOR NO REASON

1. Well, wake the kids and scare off gramma!

2. Too many fish spoil the turkey!

3. That's just peachy keen with sugar and cream!

4. Leave us not forget the last donkey!

5. If that's a duck, I'm Adler Scuggins!

Friday, May 3, 2019

AN OPEN LETTER TO ALL OF DA BABIES

Dear All Of Da Babies,

First and foremost, welcome to being alive. It's not great, but it's better than the other thing. And there are some good parts. Like puppies and spaghetti.

I just thought, since you're new here, that you might appreciate some advice from someone older and wiser. But since I can't find anyone like that, we'll have to settle for someone who's just older. Here's my advice:

1. TAKE YOUR TIME

You got a lot of stuff being thrown at you, I know. You're meeting tons of people, you're surrounded by things you don't understand, a million things are happening all at once and you just learned how to open your eyes yesterday. It can be overwhelming. But--and I mean this sincerely--there is no hurry. Take as long as you need to figure stuff out. Heck, I'm a bajillion times older than you and I don't have everything figured out yet.

2. BE YOURSELF

People are always going to want you to be someone else. But that's hard. Being yourself is easier. So do that instead.

3. DON'T BE A JERK

You're never too young to learn this lesson. As you may have already noticed, there are quite a few other people in the world besides you. You should try to be nice to them as often as you can. And if you can't be nice to them, at least don't be mean to them.

4. ELEPHANTS ARE GOOD GUYS

You will never hear anyone complaining about an elephant. No one ever talks about an elephant and says "Oh, that guy? He's a jerk!" No, it's always, "That guy? He's the best!"

5. I CAN'T REMEMBER #5

6. STORIES ARE IMPORTANT

Some people think stories are just a way to kill time or keep people busy. And, yeah, they are, but also they're lessons. You have a lot to learn and stories are a great place to start, because they can teach you a lesson without you knowing you're being taught a lesson.

And, most importantly of all,

7. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, BECOME A GROWNUP

Grownups suck.

That's all for now. But, if you have any questions along the way, I'll be happy to try and answer them for you. I mean, I don't actually know the answers to most questions, but I can make up an answer that sounds plausible. If nothing else, I can make you smile for a little while.

Oh! That was #5!

5. SMILE AND LAUGH

There's a lot of bad stuff in the world that will make you want to frown and cry. So remember to smile and laugh every chance you get.

Good luck!

Y'r ob'd't,
Templeton Moss

Thursday, May 2, 2019

RATHER BE

I'd rather be a bee
Or a flea
Than me.
I'd rather be a fly
In the sky
Than I.
And even if my options aren't insectible
There's lots of stuff that would be more acceptable.
A frog on a log
Or a dog or a hog
Or a sheep or a fish
Or a cake on a dish
Or a guy with no legs
Or a plate of fried eggs
Or a singer named Jill
Or a plumber named Bill
Or a doctor named Will
Who cooks out on a grill
And keeps cooking until
All the meat is done. Still
I would rather be he
Than me.

Wednesday, May 1, 2019

LEVEL 1000

I'm going to do it. Today is the day. The day I finally beat the game. It only took me six months of diligently ignoring any and all responsibility to do what they said couldn't be done. Or, rather, what they said they didn't really care whether I did it or not. But I'll show them!

I'm in the final battle now. The Big Boss has taken a lot of hits, but he's been replenishing his HP just as quickly as I deplete it. My last combo move gave me a leg up, though, and now I'm far enough ahead that all I have to do is keep hammering away at him and he'll go down. It's inevitable.

That's when my character, the one I'm controlling, turns to me and says, "Are you sure you wanna do this?"

I'm surprised, but I answer. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you've had fun playing our game, right?"

"Sure."

"So why do you want to end it?"

"Because that's the point. The point of playing a game is to finish a game."

"Who says?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Why does that have to be the point? Why can't you play for the sheer joy of playing? If you stop attacking right now, we die and go back to the last level. You can play it all over again. As many times as you want!"

"I guess...but I could do that anyway, couldn't I? After I finish the game I could restart it."

"Yeah, way at the beginning! You really want to sit through all the tutorials and cut scenes all over again?"

"Not really."

"On the other hand, if you lose this battle, you can play any level you want, as many times as you want, without having to sit through the boring parts. It would just be combat and puzzles forever and ever."

"That's a good point. I guess maybe I should just..."

"Don't listen to him!" the Big Boss roars. "He's trying to trick you!"

"What?"

"Don't listen to that guy," says my character. "He's the bad guy! You can't believe a word he says."

"Easy for you to say!" says the Boss. "But I know what you're really up to. You see," he says to me, "if you keep playing the game, his experience points keep going up. He'll just keep leveling up forever and ever. That's what he wants!"

"You're crazy. All I want is for the player to have as much fun as possible."

"Oh, then it's not about what happens at Level 1000?"

"Shut up!" says my character in a loud whisper. "You'll spoil everything!"

"Wait," I say, "what happens at Level 1000?"

"Nothing, nothing. It's just a rumor, no one knows for sure if..."

"What happens," the Big Boss cuts across my character, "is he takes over the world!"

"What? How is that possible?"

"There's a glitch in the game. A flaw. If a character gets to Level 1000, he gains the power to escape the game and enter the real world."

"He...I'm sorry, what? That sounds like nonsense to me."

"Do you know anything about coding?"

"Not really."

"Then shut up."

"That's fair. Go on."

"Once he's in the real world, he'll be able to use his amazing video game powers to conquer the world!"

"Come on," says my character with a smile, "we've had fun together, haven't we? Beating the mini-bosses, all those side quests, kicking this guy's butt," he gestured to the Big Boss. "Why would I want to steer you wrong? All I want is for us to keep playing together. So, waddya say? Are we in this together? Pal?"

I look back and forth between the two characters. Who do I listen to? The Good Guy, who wants me to keep playing, or the Bad Guy, who wants me to defeat him? I have enjoyed playing the game, but the beginning part is pretty boring. On the other hand, what if the Bad Guy is right? About Level 1000? And why would he WANT me to defeat him if he weren't telling the truth? What could he possibly gain?

My thumb keeps sliding back and forth between "X," which will deliver the killing stroke to the Big Boss, and "Y" which will activate "Defend" mode and allow the Big Boss to finish me.

I make my decision. I press the button.

The Big Boss goes down.

"Thank...you..." he says, before disappearing from my screen.

"I hope you're happy," says my character. "Now you'll have to start way at the beginning."

"Maybe so. But you'll never get to Level 1000 and the world will be safe."

"Oh, you think so?" he says, and his smile is much less friendly now. "This is the number one game in the world. It sold millions of copies. Millions of people are facing the same decision as you, and some of them might be easier to convince. All it will take is one gullible fool to keep playing until I get to Level 1000 and then...your world will be mine!"

He's right, of course. Every copy of the game is another chance for him to emerge. And, sure enough, it happens. Some dumb kid in Illinois or Iowa or one of those "I" places keeps playing until he gets to Level 1000 and the next thing we know, the Good Guy (who, as it turns out, isn't that good after all) is released into the world! With all the speed, strength and jumping ability he had in the game! The world is in terrible peril...

For about a day. Then he touches a turtle and drops dead. Crazy, right?


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