Once Upon a time there were three little pigs. Their names
were Manny, Moe and Mack. And one day, they all left home to make their own way
in the world and they each built themselves a house.
Manny's
house was made of straw.
Moe's
house was made of sticks.
And,
of course, Mack's house was built of...gingerbread.
That
was not the original plan, of course, but the hardware store was completely out
of bricks so he went to the candy store next door and got gingerbread instead
(it was on sale).
Everything
was fine for a few weeks, but then the Big Bad Wolf came into town. He heard
about the three pigs living in three houses in the woods (because, let's face
it, that's not something you see every day) and figured this was his chance for
a three-course ham dinner.
The
Wolf knocked on Manny's front door (it's not easy to knock on a door made of
straw, by the way) and said, “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!”
“Not
by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!” said Manny. Which baffled the Wolf, of
course, but only because he'd never spent much time around pigs. If he had, he
would have known that this was a very common expression in the pig community,
with a long and fascinating etymology for which we do not have time in this
story.
The
point is that, though the “chinny-chin-chin” bit was confusing, he understood
the “not” part and said, “Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house
in!”
The
Wolf took a very deep breath and blew down the straw house. It collapsed all
around Manny who ran screaming to the home of his brother, Moe.
“Little
pigs, little pigs,” said the Wolf after pounding on Moe's door (much easier, as
it was made of wood rather than straw), “let me come in!”
“Not
by the hair of our chinny-chin-chins!”
Well,
the whole “chinny-chin-chin” thing was started to irritate the Wolf and he
said, “Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!”
And,
just like Manny's straw house, Moe's stick house soon collapsed. Manny and Moe
ran for Mack's house and the Wolf gave chase. Fortunately, he tripped on a pile
of fallen sticks, so Manny and Moe had a good head start.
Imagine
their surprise and confusion, however, upon arriving at Mack's house and seeing
two small children eating it.
“Hey!”
said Manny. “Who are you guys?”
“My
name is Gretel,” said the girl. “And this is my brother Hansel.”
Mack,
burst out the front door and saw his brothers and the two children standing
there. Then he saw the holes in his wall Hansel and Gretel had eaten.
“What's
going on here?” he demanded.
But by then the Wolf had appeared in the distance and
there wasn't time. He ushered everyone inside and bolted the door.
“Now,”
he said once they were all inside. “Will someone please explain this to me?”
So,
Hansel and Gretel told Mack the Pig about how their family was very poor and
had no food to eat. The two children had gone out into the woods to find some
food, and had left a trail of breadcrumbs behind to find their way home. Then
they found that birds had eaten their breadcrumbs, and they were hopelessly
lost in the woods. That's when they came upon the gingerbread house, which was
the first food they'd seen in a long time and, well, they couldn't resist and started
eating it.
“We're
sorry that we ate holes in our house, Mr. Pig,” said Hansel.
“Well,”
said Mack, “in retrospect, gingerbread probably wasn't the best choice for a
house-building material.”
“No,”
said Moe,” definitely not.”
“Yeah,”
added Manny, “I wasn't going to say anything, but what were you thinking? A
gingerbread house? And that's coming from a guy who built his house out of
hay!”
“Okay!
Okay!” Mack was getting a little annoyed by all this talk.
“Little
pigs and two small children!” came the voice of the Wolf who had finally caught
up with them and was banging on the gingerbread door. “Little pigs and two
small children! Let me come in!”
“Not
by the hair of our chinny-chin-chins!” said Manny, Moe and Mack all at the same
time.
“Not
by...what?” said Gretel.
“What
does that mean?” asked Hansel.
“Shhh!”
said Mack.
“Then
I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!” said the Wolf and they
heard him inhale deeply.
“Why
bother?” called Mack.
“Um...what?”
“Why
bother blowing the house down? It's made of gingerbread! Just eat your way in.”
“Mack!”
said Manny.
“Are
you out of your mind?” said Moe.
“Trust
me,” said Mack to his brothers.
The
Wolf realized that Mack was right. It would be much easier to eat his way
through the house than to blow it down. So he began to eat the gingerbread
house.
He
ate the gingerbread walls, the candy cane trim, the peanut brittle shingles,
the cupcake doorknobs, the sheet cake shutters, the gumdrop décor, until
finally the Three Little Pigs, Hansel and Gretel were standing in an empty lot
surrounded by a few sticks of furniture and facing the terrifying wolf.
“Well?”
said Mack, with a smile. “Aren't you going to eat us?”
“No,”
said the Wolf, with a pained expression on his face. “No, I'm not. After eating
all those sweets, I don't feel very well. And I certainly don't have any
appetite anymore. In fact, I think I might have diabetes now. Excuse me, I'm
going to go check into a hospital.” And the Wolf left the Pigs and the Kids alone.
So, apparently, Mack wasn't quite so stupid as
everyone thought for building a gingerbread house. I mean, he was a bit stupid,
but not as stupid as...never mind. It's a happy ending, let's not ruin
it.
Hansel
and Gretel's father found them and explained that the reason there had been no
food in the house was that he hadn't had a chance to go grocery shopping that
week. They had sort of overreacted, but it all worked out okay.
As
for the Three Little Pigs, they decided that the three of them could build a
better house if they worked together and, by now, the hardware store had bricks
in stock once again and they were able to build a beautiful, sturdy and
wolf-proof home they could all share.
Oh,
and the Big Bad Wolf? Well, after he was released from the hospital he resolved
to be a bit more careful with what he ate, and ultimately decided to leave the
pigs alone.
So, you see, everyone lived happily ever after.
THE END
Did you enjoy this silly story? Would you like to read more fairy tale mashups? Then order you copy of Tairy Fales today. Find out what happens when Snow White meets the Three Bears, when Cinderella finds a magic lamp, when a man no bigger than a thumb falls in love with a girl with long, long hair and other ridiculous things in this adorable little book of pure silliness.
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