Once upon a rosemary, there was a
young man who…no, wait, that’s wrong. Sage? Parsley? Thyme? Time! That’s it!
Once upon a time! (Gee, you’d think I’d be able to remember that by now) Anyway, once upon a time,
there was a young man named Gustavson Von Hildergrandenfösen, III. But most people just
called him “Gus.”
Despite his super-fancy name, Gus
was not very fancy. Indeed, he was just the son of a poor miller. And yet, every
Friday in the nearby village of Neerbeigh, the young ladies all made themselves
as pretty as possible and lined the streets awaiting Gus, who came once a week
to deliver flour to the baker. Because despite his being poor and everything,
Gus was known throughout the county as a real cutie.
And he was. Very cute. Almost too
cute. Like, even some of the guys of
the village watched him walk by and then went home and asked themselves some
pretty searching questions but that’s not really what this story is about.
Every Friday, Gus would load up a
wheelbarrow with some sacks of flour and push them all the way to Neerbeigh
because he and his father were too poor even to afford a mule to carry the load
for them. And as soon as he set foot within the city limits…
“Good morning, Gus!”
“Morning, Gus!”
“Yoo-hoo! Gu-u-us!”
The single women (and more than a
few married ones come to that) swarmed him immediately. He smiled politely at
them but he sort of wished they would leave him alone. You see, he knew that
the only reason any of them liked him was because of the way he looked. And
yet, if he had proposed to any of these girls, they would instantly say yes,
even though they didn’t know anything about him. So Gus just had to smile and
say “good morning” and try to get in and out of town as fast as possible.
Far away from Neerbeigh, on the
road from the village of Pharraufff, a large, cloaked traveler was riding on a
massive horse. The traveler passed another traveler walking the other way and
asked him, “Excuse me, sir, is this the way to the village of Neerbeigh?”
“Yes it is, stranger,” said the
second traveler.
“Do you know the village well?”
“I ought to. Lived there all my
lie.”
“Then you would know if there
was, by chance, a handsome young man living there?”
“Oh, you mean Gus?”
“Gus? And he is handsome?”
“Probably the hottest guy in the
entire world. Yeah, any girl in Neerbeigh would let a horse kick their teeth
out for a chance at marrying Gus.”
“Thank you,” said the cloaked
traveler. “Here’s a coin for your assistance.”
The second traveler smiled then
looked aghast as the cloaked traveler held out a hand. But what a hand! Huge and
covered in black fur, except the palms, which were sort of gray. The hand was
clenched in a fist but opened to drop a gold coin in the hand of the man who
had told the stranger about Gus.
“Erm…thank you?” said the second
traveler, then ran down the road screaming until he arrived at a tavern where
he used the coin to buy a few stiff drinks.
The very next day, there was a
knock on the door of the mill. The Miller opened it and the large, cloaked
figure was standing there.
“Can I help you?” asked the
Miller.
“I believe,” said the cloaked
figure, “that we can help one another. I understand you have a son named Gus. A
strong, hard-working young man.”
“That’s true.”
“I happen to be in need of someone
like that to serve me in my castle. I would like to hire your son as my valet.”
“I’m sorry, stranger, but I
couldn’t part with Gus. He’s all I have. I couldn’t run this mill without him.”
“I understand. But, perhaps, you
could afford to hire some more hands…with this?”
The stranger once again extended
the hairy, black hand to drop a bag of gold coins at the Miller’s feet. “This,”
the stranger continued, “would be in addition to Gus’ wages, of course.”
Well, father and son discussed
the matter and ultimately decided to accept the stranger’s offer. The mill
would flourish with the help of that gold and Gus would finally be free of
those annoying girls in the village.
“Sir,” said the Miller at last. “You
have a deal.”
“Thank you, Miller,” said the figure,
two hands reaching up to hood of the cloak, “but it’s not sir…” The Miller and
Gus were shocked as the figure lowered her hood to reveal the head of a huge,
black ape! “It’s ma’am,” she continued, though her voice sounded slightly more
feminine now, as though she had been pretending before. “Madame Viulinu, if you
please.”
So that’s how our cute friend,
Gus, found himself riding in a coach to the far off kingdom of Pharrauff with an
ape called Madame Viulinu.
“I am sorry to take you away from
your home,” said Madame Viulinu who, despite being a gorilla, was very elegant
and well-spoken.
“No,” said Gus, who was still
kind of freaked out by all this. “Not at all. I was never really happy there. I’ll
miss my father, of course, but little else.”
“No friends? No sweetheart?”
“Not really. People in town are
polite and everything, but I was never exactly friends with any of them. And,
no, no sweetheart. The girls in that village were…not exactly my type.”
“And what is your type, if I may ask?”
“Well…someone who wants to get to
know the real me, I suppose. Not just marry me because of how I look.”
“I see,” said Madame Viulinu and
was silent for the duration of the journey.
It did not take long for Gus to
settle in at Castle Viulinu. There was a small staff already in place and he
was made to feel welcome by almost all of them. The only one who seemed to
resent Gus’ presence was the cook, Bruno, who wasted no time in antagonizing
the newcomer and, in particular, making fun of him for his looks.
“I don’t suppose a man like you
is used to hard work,” said Bruno instead of the more conventional, “nice to
meet you, Gus.”
“I’ll have you know I worked very
hard at my father’s mill.”
“Don’t mind him,” said a pretty
chambermaid named Hortensia. “He’s like that with everybody. I’m sure you’ll
get along here perfectly.”
“Thank you…look, I hate to be so
blunt about this, but if no one else is going to mention it, I’m going to have
to do it myself.”
“What do you mean?”
“Your mistress is a monkey!”
“No, she’s not…She’s a gorilla.”
“Yeah, fine, whatever. Do you
really not find that unusual?”
“Well, I suppose it is a little.
But she’s still, you know, nice and everything. Just because she’s ugly doesn’t
mean she’s a bad person.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“After all, you’re gorgeous and
that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a good person.”
“Fair enough, but…wait, what was
that?”
“Oh, come on! Don’t be modest.
You know perfectly well that you’re stunningly beautiful.”
“Well…okay, I guess I am
good-looking. The girls in my old village used to say I was a cutie.”
“Hmm, that’s funny. So, did the
boys in my old village. How about
that?”
The work was much easier than
what he was used to at the mill. In fact, Madame Viulinu mostly looked after
herself. Gus found that he had much of his time free to explore the magnificent
castle. There was a lot that was worth looking at. The architecture, the
grounds, the tapestries…Hortensia.
Yes, she was easily the most beautiful
part of Castle Viulinu. Gus found himself gazing at her the way the girls in
his village used to gaze at him. She was undoubtedly aware of his attention,
and seemed to enjoy it, returning the favor every chance she got.
“Enjoying the view?”
Gus was shocked to hear Madame Viulinu’s
voice from behind him. He was watching Hortensia polishing the banisters when
his mistress had snuck up behind him (surprisingly gracefully for an ape).
“Forgive me, madam,” he said,
hastily. “I was just…”
“I know what you were just, and
it’s all right. I’m not angry at you. I just thought it was a little odd, is
all.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I’m surprised that you’re
interested in Hortensia.”
“Are you kidding? Look at her!”
Gus immediately regretted saying this to a creature as ugly as Madame Viulinu.
But she smiled.
“Yes, she is beautiful…but you
once told me that you wanted to be with someone who was interested in getting
to know you. Not just the way you look. Tell me: Have you and Hortensia gotten
to know each other at all in the week since you’ve been here?”
“Well…no, I suppose not.”
“Then how are you any different
from those girls in your village?” Without waiting for an answer, Madame Viulinu
walked away, but she had given Gus a lot to think about. He was being sort of
shallow. So, he asked Hortensia to have dinner with him that night.
“I hear you and Hortensia had a
date last night.” Gus was clearing away Madame Viulinu’s breakfast tray the
following morning when the ape said this to him. “How did it go?”
“It was…it went…fine.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Really. It was…no, it wasn’t
fine. It was bad.”
“Really? What went wrong?”
“Well, she didn’t really want to
talk at all. I asked her questions about herself, she barely answered them and
never asked me anything about myself.
It seems like her ideal date would have been the two of us staring at each
other all night and then back to her place for…well, never mind.”
“I’m sorry to hear that you didn’t
have a good time.”
“Not at all. In fact, I was going
to thank you.”
“Thank me?”
“For what you said to me
yesterday. You were right. I was being just as shallow as those girls from the
village. I think I’ll be a bit more cautious in the future.”
“I’m glad to hear it. Do you
ride, Gus?”
Madame Viulinu loved to go
horseback riding, but she never had anyone to go with her. Gus was only too
happy to accompany her and they spent many happy hours riding together.
Riding was just the beginning. More
and more often Madame Viulinu asked Gus to join her for a game of croquet or
chess or some other activity. And they always had a lot of fun together. They
even began discussing books they had each read and recommending books to one
another. After only two months of living in Castle Viulinu, Gus was already
more of a friend than an employee. Which was good news for everyone…except
Bruno.
“Who do you think you are?”
“I’m sorry?”
Madame Viulinu had already gone
to bed at this point and Gus was helping himself to something to eat in the
kitchen when Bruno cornered him.
“Spending so much time with the
mistress. What are you playing at?”
“What are you talking about?”
“A man as good-looking as you,
spending all of his free time with that beast?”
“Hey! She’s not a beast. And you
would do well to remember yourself.”
“Don’t give me that! She’s a
monster and you know it. The world is full of beautiful women and you spend
every waking minute with a gorilla! What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing is wrong with me. I like
Madame Viulinu. She’s the first person I’ve ever met who likes me for who I am.
She’s…she’s my friend.”
“You really mean that don’t you?”
said Bruno, suddenly more subdued. “You really…just…like her?”
“Yes! What’s so hard to believe about
that?”
“Nothing. Not a thing. Gus, I’m
sorry. I’ve misjudged you.” With that, the cook left Gus alone in the kitchen,
feeling very confused.
The next morning, as he always
did, Gus went to clear away his mistress’ breakfast tray. When he entered her
bedroom, he found the tray sitting on the end of the bed, but Madame Viulinu
was nowhere to be seen.
“Madame Viulinu?” he asked the
empty room.
“I’m in here,” came a voice from
the bathroom. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
“I can come back later, if you…”
“No, it’s fine. I have something
to tell you. Bruno quit this morning.”
“What?”
“Yes. Apparently he’s a pretty
sore loser and couldn’t take it that I’d won. But after the fight you two had
last night, he knew that I had and so he told me this morning and—”
“Wait, wait, wait…won what?”
“Our bet. We made it a few months
ago when he asked me to marry him.”
“He…he what? What are you talking
about?”
“Let me explain,” said Madame Viulinu
and stepped out of the bathroom where Gus could see her. Except it wasn’t
Madame Viulinu. Not the Madame Viulinu that Gus knew. The one who had come to
hire him all those months ago. There was no great, black ape, but a woman. A beautiful
human woman in a silk bathrobe. A woman Gus had never seen before…and yet he
had. Every single part of her was different, and yet somehow exactly the same
as…
“Madam?”
“It’s me, Gus. The real me. I’m not really a gorilla. I am, however, a very powerful sorceress.”
“Okay…no, sorry, that still doesn’t
make anything clearer.”
So, Madame Viulinu (whose first name
is Nicole, by the way) explained: About a week before she had knocked on Gus’
front door, she had been talking with an old friend (who was also a sorcerer)
named Bruno. Bruno had asked for her hand in marriage, but though his proposal
was eloquent, all he said was that she was beautiful. He didn’t seem to care
about anything else except how she looked. She told him as much and he laughed
at her.
“That,” he said, “is what love
is! All anybody wants is someone beautiful.”
“That’s not true! Love is much
deeper than outward beauty.”
“Nonsense! No man in the world
cares about a woman who’s not beautiful. That’s a fact of life.”
So, Nicole made a bet with Bruno
that she could make herself ugly and still find someone who would care about
her. If she had not won the man’s affections in three months, she would agree
to marry Bruno. If, however, she succeeded, he would have to marry Hortensia.
“Hortensia?” asked Gus.
“Oh, right,” said Nicole. “She doesn’t
really look the way you think she does. Actually, she’s sort of overweight and
plain. But Bruno used his power to make her look more beautiful in the hopes
that it would distract you from getting to know me.”
“Which I guess it did.”
“For a little while. But, you
learned your lesson. So, there you go. I turned myself into a gorilla to see if
you would still like me for who I was, even if I wasn’t beautiful. And, from
what you said to Bruno last night, I know that it worked. Which means now I can
go back to being a girl, which will be a great relief to my horses.”
Gus laughed. “I just have one
more question.”
“Yes?”
“Well…I know you only hired me as
part of this bet of yours…do you still want me to stay? This is the best job I
ever had and I’d hate to lose it.”
“Of course you can stay. Now that
my cook and chambermaid have quit, I can’t have my valet quitting too.”
So Gus stayed on at the Castle
and his friendship with Nicole blossomed into love which, as you probably already
guessed cuz this is a fairy tale, blossomed into marriage. There were, it must
be said, some side effects from the spell she cast on herself. She ate bananas
more often than she used to and she tended to be a bit…hairier than before.
But, apart from these little niggles, Madame Nicole Viulinu and Gustavson Von
Hildergrandenfösen, III (and, after a few rough years, Bruno and
Hortensia) lived happily ever after.