There is one reason, and only one
reason, why anyone should get married: Because they are in love. This might
seem like a pretty obvious thing to say, but it wasn’t always that way.
Marriage used to be a very different thing indeed. Especially if you just so
happened to be royal.
Prince Andy, for
example, didn’t want to get married. But that decision wasn’t up to him. He had
just turned eighteen and, as everyone knows, when a prince turns eighteen, he
has to marry a princess.
But not just any
princess: It has to be a true princess.
What’s the
difference, you ask? Well, let’s put it this way: There are two sure fire ways
of becoming a princess: One is to be born the daughter of a king and queen. The
other is to be a non-royal who marries a prince. A true princess is one whose entire family have all been royalty
since the beginning of whatever. But if you have any (ugh!) commoners on your
family tree, you are not a true princess.
Yeah, I know, it
seems pretty stupid, but that’s how it was back then.
Anyway, Andy’s
mother, who, coincidentally, was the queen, was adamant that her son marry a true princess. So she prepared a complex
series of tests which she called “The Princess Tests:” The first test was the
Dancing Test, because everyone knows that a true
princess is very graceful and light on her feet. The second test was the
Talent Test, because it is a well-established fact that all true princesses are very talented and
entertaining. Finally, there was the Mattress Test, for even the silliest
doofus in all the kingdom could tell you that a true princess was very, very, highly, extremely, very, incredibly,
ever-so-very, very, really-quite sensitive.
“Can one of the
tests be ‘Do I like her?’” asked Andy, hopefully.
“Shut up, son,”
said the Queen.
The first
princess to try her luck was Princess Carol who had pretty red hair and wore
the most extraordinarily lovely gowns anyone had ever seen. She was invited to
spend the night at the palace where she would (unknowingly) be subjected to the
three tests. She danced with all the gentlemen at court and proved herself in
the first test. She then entertained the court with her exceptional
harp-playing, so passing the second test. But then came bedtime…time for the
final test.
Princess Carol
was shown into her bedchamber where twenty mattresses had been piled on top of
one another. And, unbeknownst to Carol, a single pea had been placed under the
bottom mattress. For, surely, if she was sensitive enough to feel a pea through
twenty mattresses, she must be a true
princess.
Unfortunately
for Carol, she awoke the next morning well rested and refreshed having had
exactly no trouble falling asleep. She had failed the third test and she would
not marry the prince. Which was fine with him, since he didn’t like her very
much anyway.
Next came
Princess Sarah who had long blonde hair and was in very good shape. Like the
previous applicant, she was an excellent dancer and had the Queen clutching her
sides with laughter at her clever stories. She had passed the first two tests,
so they sent her to her bedchamber where she climbed on top of the twenty
mattresses and…
And…
AND…
(I’m trying to
build up suspense…is it working?)
She slept
perfectly. She hadn’t felt the pea and she too was dismissed which, once again,
was okay with Andy.
But then came
Princess Tracey. Tracey was wearing an old dress which, at the very least,
looked more comfortable than the stuff the other princesses were wearing. Her
hair was black and short, which was not popular among ladies at this time, but
it was easier to manage. And, in all honesty, it must be said that she was
slightly…ever-so-slightly…not even all that much, really…but just a bit—how can
I put this—rounder than the others.
Not that it mattered because she was still very beautiful and she and Andy got
along right away.
The Queen, however,
was horrified. This was a princess? She certainly didn’t look much like a princess. But, just in the interest of fairness,
she went ahead with the tests. To everyone’s surprise, Tracey was an excellent
dancer. She waltzed with the king, tangoed with Andy, did the Charleston with
the prime minister, even cut a rug with the queen herself. Afterwards, she sang
and played the piano and told funny stories and did imitations of popular
figures of the day (including a young singer who had just recently begun her
career called “Madonna”) and even juggled and did close-up magic.
Even the Queen
had to admit that she had passed the first two tests with flying colors. “But,”
she said softly to herself, “there is still the third test. She is certain to
fail that one. And besides, the way she’s built, it would be like adding a
whole extra mattress to the pile!”
Well, Andy
overheard her sinister soliloquy. Not only was he angry at his mother for
saying something so mean about someone he was so fond of, but he had finally
had enough of these silly tests of hers. He hadn’t said anything because he
hadn’t liked the first two princesses, but he did like Tracey. He wasn’t exactly going to marry her the next day
or anything, but he knew that if she failed the test he’d never see her again.
And of course she was going to fail the
test! Feeling a pea through twenty mattresses? It was ridiculous! It has no
basis in science and was just a preposterous idea. So, that night, while the
castle slept, Andy put his plan into action…
The next morning, everyone got up
bright and early, feeling rested and refreshed. Everyone that is, except their
guest, Princess Tracey.
“Didn’t you
sleep all right?” asked the Queen, nervously.
“Well…well,
frankly, no,” said Tracey. “To be honest…and I know this is going to sound
strange…but it felt like there was a lump in the bed the size of a basketball.
I couldn’t sleep a wink on that bed.”
The Queen was
shocked and horrified. This girl had, against all odds, passed all the tests,
including the “does Andy like her” test which she refused to acknowledge. She
was trapped. She had to give her son permission to marry her.
“If it’s all the
same to you,” Andy said, “maybe we could just be friends. I mean, you’re great,
but I don’t think I want to marry someone I’ve known for only one day.”
“That’s fine
with me,” said Tracey, who felt the same way. And from then on, Prince Andy and
Princess Tracey were the bestest of best friends. And as time went by, they
became closer than friends. And, eventually, they actually did get married, but
not because Andy was being forced to and not because Tracey had won some
contest, but because they loved each other. This started a new trend in
marriage which has lasted to this day.
As for Andy and
Tracey, they were best friends, in love and happily married so they were
certain to live happily ever after. “To think,” said Tracey, one night some
years later, “none of this would have happened if I had been able to sleep on
those lumpy mattresses.”
“Well, they may have been lumpy mattresses,” said
Andy with a smile. “But then again it may have had something to do with the
enormous stone boulder I slipped between the mattresses before you got into bed
that night…I guess we’ll never know for sure!”
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