Once upon one of those times that
happened really quite long ago, there was a little village called “Witchiburg.”
The reason it was called Witchiburg was that it was populated entirely by
witches. Some were old, some were young, some were tall, some were stout, some
were ugly, some were pretty…okay, not that many were pretty, but some of the
younger ones were…but, yeah, most of them were really, really ugly. But it was
okay because they were all very nice people and some had black cats and some
had flying broomsticks and some had cauldrons. And all the witches of
Witchiburg lived quite happily for some time.
Then, one day, a
beautiful princess came to town. Her clothes were ragged and she looked like
she’d seen hard times. She cried to the witches that her entire kingdom was
destroyed by a wicked dragon and she was all alone in the world. The witches
took pity on her and they cleaned her up, and made her some new clothes (with
magic) and even magically built a big castle for her to live in with lots of
magical servants and things so that she could go on living in the manner to
which she had become accustomed. The beautiful princess was very grateful…for
about ten seconds. Because then she revealed that she was that rarest of
creatures, an evil, beautiful
princess! And she had tricked the witches into giving her everything so that
she could rule over them with an iron, but satiny smooth-skinned, fist!
So began a
terrible reign of beautiful evil and the poor witches were miserable.
Until the day,
many-a-day later, when the knight came to town. He was not what you’d call a
handsome knight. I mean, he wasn’t an ugly
knight. He was sort of okay-looking. Maybe a bit better than average. Cute,
I think is the word. And he rode into town on his trusty steed, Ricky, right up
to a witch who was tending her garden (witch’s usually have gardens so they can
grow their own herbs for potions) and said, “Hail, citizen!”
“Hail, knight!”
said the witch.
“I am a knight
from a faraway kingdom. I have defeated villains and liberated peoples. I have
faced wicked dragons and reformed them. Many is the bridge troll I have
outwitted. I have thrice been called a hero by people who should know. But you
may call me…Jimmy!”
“It’s an honor
to meet you, Sir Jimmy. I am Helen, a humble witch.”
“Charmed. I am
traveling the land in search of a beautiful princess to—”
“Princess?
AAAAAAH!” With that, Helen ran screaming into her house and out of this story.
“What did I
say?” asked a bewildered Sir Jimmy.
“You said
‘Princess.’ That word isn’t particularly popular ‘round these parts, stranger.”
Sir Jimmy looked around for the source of the voice. “Down here!” Sir Jimmy
looked at the ground around Ricky’s hooves, and saw a little gray rat looking
back at him. “Yeah, it was me.”
“A talking rat?”
“Yeah, pretty
much. Wait a minute…” The rat climbed up Ricky’s leg and up, onto the back of
his neck, facing Sir Jimmy. “There, now we can have a talk.”
“Why did that
witch run away when I mentioned princesses?”
So the helpful
rat told Sir Jimmy all about the evil princess who was persecuting the good
witches. “Yeah, things are tough around here right now. What we really need is
someone who’s thrice been called a hero.”
That was all it
took. Sir Jimmy rode Ricky to the center of town and declared in a loud voice,
“I, Sir Jimmy of Somewhere Very Far Away, will defeat the evil princess and set
you nice witches free!” The witches cheered and clapped for Sir Jimmy. They
even helped him with their magic…
Later that same day, a visitor
arrived at the evil princess’s castle. It was an incredibly handsome knight who
introduced himself as Sir James…seriously, this guy was hot. The evil princess
was much in awe of his great beauty, and never dreamed that it was really just
the kinda cute Sir Jimmy in a magical disguise provided by the good witches.
“I am Sir
James,” said Sir Jimmy.
“I am Princess
Mar-ger-reet,” said Princess
Margaret.
“All my life I
have been in search of someone as beautiful as you…and here you are!”
“Sir James, you
are as charming as you are rich and handsome. I mean handsome. Just handsome.”
Okay, it’s
starting to look like the rest of this conversation is going to be nauseating
and entirely useless from a plot standpoint, so we’ll skip to the part where
they’re having a glass of wine. Princess Margaret poured wine into two goblets
and set them on a tray which she carried into the parlor where Sir Jimmy was
waiting. In his pocket was a small vial of potion the witches had given him.
All he had to do was pour it into Margaret’s glass. But first he had to
distract her. He had to come up with some brilliant, cunning plan to divert her
attention away from—
“Hey, what’s
that thing?”
“Where?” asked
the princess, turning her head to look where Sir Jimmy had pointed. “I don’t
see anything.”
“Oh, I must’ve
made a mistake. Anyhoo, let’s drink.” He lifted the non-poisoned glass and
Margaret lifted the non-non-poisoned glass. They clinked and drank. “This is
excellent wine,” he said, but Margaret didn’t reply. She didn’t even open her
mouth. “Is everything all right?” asked Sir Jimmy. In response, Margaret spit
her mouthful of wine right in Sir Jimmy’s face.
“You tried to
poison me!” she cried. “You really thought I’d fall for that ‘hey, what’s that
thing’ trick? I am a powerful evil princess and you are no match for me. I
don’t care how many magical tricks those old hags gave you. Now you’ll spend
the rest of your life locked in my dungeon!”
As Sir Jimmy sat
in his dingy cell, the spell the witches had put on his face wore off. “At
least I look like me again,” he said. “Too bad nobody will ever see my face
again.”
“Not
necessarily!” came a familiar voice. Sir Jimmy looked up to the small, barred
window and saw a familiar face. It was the helpful rat from that morning! He
climbed down the wall and chewed through the ropes that were binding Sir
Jimmy’s hands and feet. “There, you’re free! So, c’mon! Let’s go!”
“Wait,” said Sir
Jimmy. “I gave my word that I would defeat this evil, beautiful princess and I
can’t go back on that!” Sir Jimmy didn’t head for the exit, he ran upstairs to
the princess’s bedroom and broke down the door. “Evil Princess Margaret!”
“Actually, it’s
pronounced Mar—”
“No! Your name
is Margaret! Don’t change the pronunciation of your name if you don’t change
the spelling! That’s pretentious and lame!”
“How dare you
speak to me in that way! I am a beautiful princess! And, by the way, you are way less hot than I thought you were.”
“Ya know what? I
don’t care. I like my big nose and droopy eyes. I like that my ears stick out a
little. I like that, no matter what I try, I can’t stop my hair from sticking
up at the back. Some people call those things flaws but they’re the things that
make me look like me. And I’d rather be goofy-looking and well-liked than
beautiful, lonely and friendless like you.”
“What do you
know about it? I’m a beautiful princess; everyone loves me!”
“You’re wrong,
Maggie. Nobody likes you. The people of Witchiburg hate and fear you. They were
better off before you came here. Not that it matters. You won’t be around much
longer.”
“Why? Because
you’re going to kill me?”
“I won’t have
to. You’re empty, highness. You’re beautiful on the outside, but there’s
nothing on the inside. All you are is a pretty face. And everyone knows that
pretty faces don’t last.”
“What are you
saying?” Margaret was starting to sound nervous now.
“Time, your
worshipfulness. Time changes everything. You’re getting older. Your
oh-so-perfect skin will sag. Your hair will turn gray. You’ll get crow’s-feet
on your eyes and wrinkles on your face. Your body won’t be so tight and trim
when you’re seventy-five. You’re, what, twenty-eight? Twenty-nine?”
“Twenty-six!!”
“Four years to
thirty. Fourteen years to forty. That’s not so long. And if you’re not young,
you won’t be so beautiful. And if you’re not beautiful…what are you?”
“I’m…I’m...I’m nothing!!!” Margaret fell to the
floor in tears. She was defeated.
Sir Jimmy went
to her side and put a hand on her shoulder. “It’s not too late to change,
Margaret,” he said with great kindness. “Sure, your youth won’t last forever,
but inner beauty lasts long beyond
youthful outer beauty. Be a better person. Change your ways. Make some friends.
And you’ll be beautiful and loved for the rest of your life.”
Margaret
sniffled and looked up at Jimmy. “Promise?”
Jimmy smiled.
“Promise.”
And that is how Sir Jimmy of
Wherever defeated the evil, beautiful princess and turned her into a nice,
beautiful princess. She swore to change and, from that day on, ruled the
witches of Witchiburg with compassion and mercy. She appointed Sir Jimmy the
captain of her royal guard and, a few years later, they started dating.
Meanwhile, the helpful rat became one of the court’s most trusted advisors and
he soon married a rat he met in the kitchen and they had about twenty-three
babies.
And all the witches of Witchiburg lived every so very much happily for ever and ever afterward!
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